


Springfield

by sajeki (dajaje)



Series: It's All Good, Man [3]
Category: Better Call Saul (TV), Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Post-Episode: s05e16 Felina, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 13:54:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8251505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dajaje/pseuds/sajeki
Summary: Saul Goodman, Jesse Pinkman and Kim Wexler travel to Vermont for help in finding the healing they need.





	

Dr. Anita Mahabir sat at her desk next to Gene Taylor, AKA Saul Goodman, AKA Jimmy McGill; and Kim Wexler. She adjusted the laptop on her desk to ensure that everyone would be visible in the camera, then tapped a couple of keys. “Hello, Tony, are you there?”

“Hello?” came a voice from the laptop. “Can you hear me? Is it this button?”

“No, no... Here, just let me do it.”

The screen came to life to reveal a young, handsome man with dark hair pulled back into a ponytail leaning in front of an older man seated at a desk.

Anita smiled. “Robert, what a pleasant surprise.”

The young man smiled and waved. “Hi, Anita. How are you?”

“Hey, hey, go,” the older man said, giving Robert a gentle shove. “This is a professional call.”

“Grouch.” Robert rolled his eyes and waved at Anita before moving out of the picture. “I’ll be outside, darling.”

The older man pursed his lips and waited until there was the sound of a door closing in the background, then he cleared his throat. “Sorry about that. I still don’t quite have the hang of this high tech stuff. Anyway, I’m Dr. Tony Bulatti.”

“Good morning, Tony.” Anita pointed to Jesse. “This is Jarrod Walker’s aunt Kim Wexler, and his uncle Gene Taylor.”

“And where’s Jarrod?”

“Well, that is part of the problem, Tony. He was admitted to a local hospital over three weeks ago, but he seems to have gotten worse.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Worse than suicidal?”

“Look, he wasn’t suicidal,” Saul interjected. “He didn’t take anything.”

“But he was seriously considering it.”

Saul rubbed his forehead. “Yeah, but he specifically said he didn’t want to die.”

“But he also said he didn’t want to live either,” Kim reminded.

“When J.J. entered the hospital, he was lucid and fairly healthy,” Anita told Tony. “Now, after three weeks, he’s weaker physically and he seems to be suffering from violent mood swings.”

Tony rubbed his chin. “That does seem like a pretty rapid decline. I’ve had a chance to look over his case and I’m very interested in working with him. However, since he’s now a mandatory in-patient, you’re going to need to get someone with a Power of Attorney...”

“Got it,” Kim said, holding up a paper. “I’m his Power of Attorney.”

“Fantastic, then all we need to do is arrange for him and you to come out here.”

Anita smiled. “We were actually just discussing that before your call. Obviously, his present condition precludes commercial flight.”

“Well, it just so happens that the Institute has a private jet that we use to transport patients when needed. I think it’s about a three-hour flight, so we can do it this afternoon or first thing tomorrow.”

“Would there be room for both of us?” Kim asked, motioning between herself and Saul.

“Absolutely.”

Kim and Saul looked at each other and then Saul said, “I prefer to get him out of there as soon as possible.”

“Then let me get the ball rolling on my end and we can plan on meeting at the hospital in about five hours?”

“Are you coming out as well, Tony?” Anita asked, surprised.

Tony shrugged. “I want to meet my new patient.”

“And will Robert be joining you?”

Tony leaned closer to the computer. “Not if I can sneak out of here without him knowing.” He smiled. “I’ll see you all soon.” The computer went black.

“Robert will be with him,” Anita said as she closed her laptop. “Well, I guess you need to get ready.”

“Yes, thank you for arranging this,” Kim said as she got to her feet.

“Yeah, thanks,” Saul said.

0 0 0

Saul shifted in his chair and groaned. “God, have I ever mentioned how much I hate waiting in hospital waiting rooms?”

Kim rubbed Saul’s arm. “Maybe once or twice.”

Anita uncrossed and re-crossed her legs. “It shouldn’t be much longer.” 

The three of them looked at the elevator when it dinged, getting to their feet when they saw Tony emerge with a tall African-American woman, and Robert pushing a wheelchair. They all walked over to meet the others.

“Tony, Robert, so good to see you again,” Anita said as she gave each of them a hug. “This is Kim and Gene.”

Tony shook hands with both of them. “And this is Shirley Wilson, and my husband, Robert Bulatti, they’re both nurses.” He looked around as the others shook hands. “J.J. is still on the ward?”

“We thought it might be best to wait until you got here,” Anita explained as they all started towards the nurses’ station.

Kim pressed the buzzer and smiled when one of the nurses answered. “Hi, Barb, we’re here for J.J.”

The nurse looked perplexed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see discharge orders for him. I need to call Dr. Peterson.”

“No, you don’t.” Kim pulled a paper from her purse and handed it to Barb. “We’re transferring him to another hospital. Now, if you can unlock the door, we’ll go get him.” 

“You can’t get him right now.”

Tony stepped up to the window. “Hi, I’m Dr. Anthony Bulatti, J.J.’s new psychiatrist. Why can’t we get him?”

“Oh, my goodness, Dr. Bulatti, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Well, I’m sorry, but J.J. isn’t on the ward right now.”

“What do you mean he’s not on the ward?” Kim demanded. “Where is he?”

“He’s downstairs in the emergency room getting stitches and x-rays. He fell and hit his head earlier.”

“Jesus, and we’re just now finding this out? How come no one called us?”

The nurse shook her head. “I honestly don’t know. I just came on shift about twenty minutes ago.”

“Okay, Shirley, you go in and collect all of J.J.’s things. We’ll meet you downstairs.” Tony looked at the other nurse. “Please make sure she has a copy of J.J.’s chart when she leaves.” When Barb nodded, he started towards the elevators.

“I cannot fucking believe this,” Saul muttered under his breath as he and Kim hurried with the others.

They all rode down in silence, getting off on the first floor.

“This way,” Robert said, following the signs pointing towards the E.R. He led them across the waiting room and to the in-take desk. “Jarrod Walker please.”

“What’s this?” the young woman behind the desk asked.

“I’m Robert, this is Dr. Bulatti and this is Jarrod’s very upset family. We’re here to pick up Jarrod for a transfer to another facility.” When the tech didn’t respond, Robert said, “Can you please go get the attending physician.” When she left, he started pushing the wheelchair towards to door leading to the treatment rooms. The others followed.

After several minutes, the door finally opened and an older, gray-haired doctor stepped out, keeping the door open with one foot. “What is the meaning of this? You can’t just come in here and order my staff around.”

Tony stepped forward. “Dr...” he squinted at the doctor’s name plate, “Schwartz, I’m Dr. Bulatti. We’re here to pick up Jarrod Walker to take him to another facility.”

“Walker?” The older doctor looked over his shoulder at a nurse.

“The fifty-one-fifty in bed seven,” the nurse said.

“Right, the kid with the scarred up face.” The doctor stepped aside and held the door open. “Come on in. We were just about to send him back upstairs.”

“What’s his condition?” Tony asked as the nurse led them down the hall.

“Some contusions and abrasions, a deep bite mark on his arm, but no concussion.”

Tony frowned. “Someone bit him?”

The nurse stopped at a curtained-off cubicle. “It might be self-inflicted. Just as an F.Y.I., he’s on a combination of meds right now, so he’s pretty loopy when he’s awake.” She stuck her head inside the curtain. “Mr. Walker? You have some visitors.” She took the edge of one of the curtains and slowly pulled it back to reveal Jesse lying in a hospital bed with his wrists and ankles in soft restraints.

“Ohmygod,” Kim breathed as she hurried to his bedside. “J.J.? Can you hear me?”

Jesse slowly blinked open his swollen eyes and smiled weakly. “Are you a dream?”

Kim shook her head as she leaned down and ran her fingers through his hair. “No, sweetie, it’s really me.”

Jesse squinted. “Saul here?”

Saul pressed in beside Kim. “Yeah, kid, I’m right here.”

“’Sposed to call me sweetheart... when ‘m in a hospital.”

Saul blinked back tears as he took Jesse’s hand in his. “You’re right, sweetheart.” He looked around. “Can we get these things off of him?”

“Yes.” Robert began quickly undoing the restraints. He smiled down at Jesse as he worked. “Hi, I’m Robert.”

“’M J.J.”

“Pleased to meet you, J.J. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

Jesse frowned. “Did I get a job?”

Kim caressed Jesse’s cheek. “No, sweetie. Robert is a nurse at the new hospital you’re going to.”

Jesse scrunched up his face and tears started rolling down his cheeks. “Don’ wanna go to ‘nother hospital. I wanna go home.”

“Oh, sweetie, don’t cry,” Kim soothed. “It’s a very nice hospital. And you won’t be locked up. You can walk all around the grounds. They have lots of trees.”

Jesse sniffed. “Like the cabin?”

“Do you like trees, J.J.?” Robert asked as he threw the restraints over onto a nearby counter.

“Y...yeah.”

“Then you’ll love the Institute. We have trees and gardens and lots of wildlife.”

“Raccoons?” Saul asked. “J.J. likes raccoons.”

“Raccoons, beavers, squirrels, birds. I even saw a moose once. It startled the bejeezus out of me. Those things are huge!”

Jesse smiled sleepily. “Sounds ‘kay I guess.”

Tony returned and looked at Jesse. “Hey, J.J., nice to finally meet you. I’m Dr. Bulatti.”

“Tha’s the name Dr. Mahabir said. She said you’re the best.”

“He is,” Robert said.

Tony looked at Kim. “Can you come to the nurses’ station with me? We’re ready to do the discharge.”

Kim squeezed Jesse’s shoulder. “I’ll be right back, sweetie.”

“’Kay.” Jesse looked at Saul. “Come ‘ere.”

Saul stepped into Kim’s old spot. “How are you feeling?”

“’Kay. Head hurts. Back hurts.”

“How did you hurt your back?”

“Fell over a chair when that dude punched me.”

Saul glanced at Robert before returning his attention to Jesse. “What dude?”

“Big dude, like Badger big. Just sat down in group and he grabbed me up and punched me. Said I was in his chair.” Jesse yawned. “Major douche.” He squinted past Robert. “Tina?”

Saul looked up and smiled. “No, that’s Shirley. She’s another one of your new nurses.”

Jesse smiled at her. “You look nice.”

Shirley smiled back at Jesse. “Thanks. You look tired, J.J.”

‘’M very tired, Shirley.” Jesse slowly shifted his gaze to Saul. “Can you lay down w’ me?”

“Not right now, sweetheart. We’re going to be moving you soon.”

“’Kay.” 

“What happened to your arm?” Saul asked, indicating the gauze around the bottom half of Jesse’s left arm. 

Jesse took Saul’s hand in both of his. “Lookit how big your hand is.” He pressed the palm of his hand against Saul’s, giggling when he saw that his hand was significantly smaller than the bigger man’s. “Giganto hand.” He sighed and clasped Saul’s hand in both of his and pulled it to his chest. “I love your hands.”

Saul smiled fondly down at Jesse and cupped the younger man’s cheek with his free hand. “You’re adorable, you know.”

Jesse smiled drunkenly, then happened to glance over at Robert and Shirley. He sobered quickly as he looked at Saul. Lifting a finger to his lips, he said, “Shh! They think you’re my uncle.” He giggled again. “We can tell ‘em we’re hillbillies. Ain’t that right Uncle Jimmy Saul Gene?”

Saul’s eyes twinkled. “Wow, I really want some of whatever it is you’re on right now.”

“Me too.” Jesse glanced down at the foot of the bed when Kim and Tony returned. “Hey, it’s Auntie Kim, uh... Well, shit, you only got one name, Kim. I guess you can’t be a hillbilly.”

Kim looked warily at Saul. “What’s going on?”

“I think we’ve been pretty much outed as not being his aunt and uncle.”

“Nope,” Jesse confirmed, making a popping sound on the ‘p’. “We’re all together, y’know,” he made a circle with one thumb and index finger and tried to put the other index finger through, but missed it, “that way.”

“Well, let’s file that away for a later discussion,” Tony said. “Let’s see about getting you out of here before you pass out completely, okay?” He looked at Saul and Kim. “Shall we wait outside while they get him ready?”

“We’re just going to be on the other side of the curtain,” Kim explained as she and Saul stepped out and Tony pulled the curtain closed.

“He didn’t...” Saul made air quotes with his fingers, “fall and hit his head. Some big guy hit him and knocked him over a chair.”

“That’s more indicative of his injuries than the version of the story we heard,” Tony replied.

Saul frowned. “We should sue their lying asses.”

Kim took Saul by the arm. “Let’s just concentrate on getting J.J. settled into his new place. We can worry about these jerks later.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Oh man, we lost him,” Saul said when the curtain parted to reveal Jesse seated in the wheelchair with his head lolling to one side.

“I hope he can stay that way for the whole flight.” Tony fell into step behind Shirley, Robert and the wheelchair as they all headed for the exit. “It’ll make it a lot easier for him.”

0 0 0

Saul slid the key card into the lock and pushed the door open, motioning for Kim to precede him into the hotel room. “My god, I could sleep for ten days,” he mumbled, squinting when Kim turned on a nearby lamp.

“After tomorrow, you can,” Kim said as she dropped her carry-on bag onto the floor before flopping down on one side of the king-sized bed.

Saul dropped his bag down next to Kim’s and sat on the edge of the bed. “Promises, promises.” He kicked off his shoes and gingerly stretched out next to the blonde.

“Place looked nice,” Kim muttered sleepily.

“Mmm.”

0 0 0

Robert watched Tony as Tony watched Jesse sleep. “I know that look,” he said quietly.

Tony turned questioning eyes on Robert. “What look?”

“The one that says ‘I can’t wait to get inside his head’.”

Tony gently nudged Robert out into the hall before slowly pulling Jesse’s door closed. “Well, you have to admit, it’s a pretty interesting case.” He started walking towards the nurses’ station. “A civilian who gets held prisoner and tortured for six months? Don’t see that every day.”

“He’s definitely going to need a full team.” Robert leaned against the counter while Tony picked up Jesse’s chart and made some notes. “His body is in pretty bad shape too.”

Tony looked up and smiled at the younger man. “Lucky we have a good massage therapist on board, then, huh?”

Robert raised his eyebrows. “Only good?”

Tony snorted as he closed Jesse’s chart. He hooked his arm through Robert’s and started leading the younger man to the exit. “Let’s go home. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

0 0 0

“J.J., time to get up.”

Jesse inhaled deeply. “Don’ wanna go to school.”

“Come on, J.J., it’s time for breakfast. You need to get up and get dressed.”

Jesse slowly pried his eyes open and frowned when he saw a stranger standing over him. “Who’re you?”

The short, freckled redhead smiled. “I’m Maureen, one of your nurses. Do you remember where you are?”

Jesse slowly glanced around. “Yeah, that place they brought me to.”

“Do you remember who brought you here?”

Jesse raised up on his elbows and smacked his lips, grimacing at the bad taste in his mouth. “Some doctor. Pilates?” He sat up and rubbed his forehead. “I dunno, some other people. Did we fly in a plane?”

“Yes, you did.” She pointed towards a closed door. “Your bathroom is in there and your clothes from yesterday are over that chair.” She pointed towards a soft chair in the corner. “Everything else is in your dresser. Hurry up or you might miss the strawberry waffles. Can you walk?”

Jesse brushed off the covers to reveal he was clad only in garish boxers. He slowly got to his feet and drew a deep breath before giving the nurse a thumbs up as he started walking towards the bathroom.

Maureen smiled. “I’ll be waiting for you out in the hall.”

Jesse opened the door to the bathroom and stopped in his tracks when he saw how lavish it was. “Sweet.” He nodded in approval as he walked to the toilet.

0 0 0

Tony sat down in an easy chair across from the sofa where Kim and Saul sat. “Before J.J. joins us, I wanted to cover a few things with you.”

Kim and Saul exchanged glances before returning their attention to the doctor. “Okay,” Kim said.

“I assume you’ve read over the welcome materials we sent?” When they nodded, he continued, “While that gives you a basic outline of what treatments we offer, I wanted to let you know that J.J. will be getting an individualized treatment plan based on his unique traumas. These will include one-to-one psychotherapy, group counseling, medication therapy, neurofeedback, cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, physical therapy, massage therapy, nutritional training, and a wide assortment of activities, both physical and creative.”

“Wow, and you’re going to do all of that in six weeks?” Saul asked, mildly surprised.

Tony smiled. “Yes, that’s one of the advantages we have to traditional therapy where the patient only receives an hour of counseling per week. We’re basically a total immersion program, so from 6:30 A.M. to 10:00 P.M. seven days a week, J.J. will be encouraged to engage in specific activities designed to help him cope with his trauma.”

“Encouraged to?” Kim asked.

“We don’t force our patients to do anything. Sometimes they may need to sleep all day to process something. That can be just as important to their recovery as anything we have to offer.” Tony paused. “However, what I mean by encouraging them to participate, is that we keep track of everything they do, helpful and not helpful, to their recovery. These are the types of things their team will consider when deciding whether to extend them privileges such as going off-campus for our weekly adventures, or whether we think they’re ready for release.” He noticed the look of concern that crossed Kim’s face. “Is there a problem?”

Kim gave a little shrug. “I was just thinking about something J.J. said to us recently, about how his parents neglected to get him the special help he needed in school. Instead, they tried to bribe him to do better, and when that didn’t work, they denied him things.”

Tony rubbed his chin. “But because he had an actual learning disability, both were no-win situations for him. Interesting. I’ll definitely keep that in mind. Do you know what his disability is?”

“Something to do with reading. I guess his dad just chalked it up to laziness. The school couldn’t do anything without parental consent, so they just kept passing him. He finally got discouraged enough to quit school his senior year.” Kim sighed. “Which is a damn shame because J.J. honestly seems to enjoy learning things.”

“He may not be able to read very well,” Saul interjected. “But you only have to show him how to do something once and he has it down.”

Tony nodded slightly as he thought. “Good. This is all good to know. I’m already getting some great ideas of activities for him. Thank you for sharing that. I’ll add an LD screening to his assessments. Learning disability,” he added for clarification. “And while we’re discussing screenings, J.J.’s first week will be atypical because we’re going to be putting him through a wide series of tests, assessments and physical screenings. This will enable us to put together a treatment plan specifically designed for him.”

Saul took a deep breath. “I have to say, I’m really getting jazzed about this. I’ve seen that poor kid in a continuous downward-spiral since I met him.”

“Him and you both,” Kim added.

“Yeah, but he had it ten times worse than I did.”

Tony studied the other two. “Was this in relation to the kidnapping?”

“No.” Saul sighed. “J.J. and I worked closely with this third party, although the kid had much more contact with him than I did. I didn’t realize until late in the game just what a manipulative bastard this guy was. He really just screwed J.J. over. I mean it doesn’t take a genius to see the kid has daddy issues, so this guy, who was about my age, gave the kid just enough encouragement to keep him around, but then he treated him like shit. Half the time I don’t know if the kid knew if he was coming or going, the guy had screwed with his head so much.”

Tony studied Saul. “Were you, J.J. and Kim in your relationship at this time?”

“Yes,” Kim answered. “At the beginning. As J.J.’s business relationship with this third party intensified, it caused some stress between us.”

“May I ask why, if you could see this relationship was detrimental to J.J. that you didn’t encourage him to break it off?”

When Kim looked at him, Saul dropped his gaze and blew out his breath, then he lifted his head. “Like I said, I didn’t realize how bad things were until it was almost too late to do anything. The business was lucrative. I thought it would be a good thing for the kid to make some serious money.” Saul rubbed his forehead and grimaced. “That’s bullshit,” he finally forced out. “I thought it would be a good thing if I could make some serious money. J.J. had already been in a business relationship with this guy, so I told myself he, J.J., knew what he was dealing with and I basically didn’t allow myself to think about what a dick I was being to the kid.” Saul followed Tony’s gaze to Kim. “Kim had nothing to do with it. She was the voice of reason that we both ignored.”

Tony exhaled. “We are going to need to deal with this more in-depth during our family sessions. However, can you tell me if J.J. exhibited any anger towards you since his escape from his kidnappers?”

“Not really.” Saul shrugged. “In fact, if anything, he was very clingy with me.”

“No, remember that time he and I were discussing Andrea?” Kim interjected. “He got upset and when you came in, he attacked you. What was it he said? Something like, ‘You mother... You gave him everything he wanted’, and then he threatened to break your nose again.”

Saul smiled sheepishly. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” He spread his hands. “You have to understand that he and I had a relationship like that. We got together for stress relief, and because there was a certain amount of danger in it.” He frowned at Kim when the blonde looked at him in disbelief. “What?”

Kim shook her head. “Wow. You really think that’s why J.J. got in a relationship with you?”

“You weren’t even there.”

“No, but I know J.J. I think he wanted to be with someone who understood what he was going through.” 

“Okay, I’m going to stop you here,” Tony interrupted. “Again, let’s table this for our family counseling sessions. Right now, we’re here to focus on J.J.’s treatment. But are you two all right? We didn’t open any old wounds, did we?”

Saul and Kim looked at each other, then looked at Tony and shook their heads.

Kim replied, “Like you said, let’s concentrate on J.J.”

“We’re good,” Saul added.

“Okay.” Tony sat up in his seat. “If you’re ready, I’m going to have J.J. brought in?” When they both nodded, he went to the door and opened it. “J.J.? Are you ready?” He stepped aside and let Jesse pass into the room. “Thanks, Judy,” he told the nurse who had been waiting with Jesse. “I’ll call when he’s ready to go back down to the ward. Have a seat with Kim and Gene,” he told the young man, motioning to the sofa on the opposite side of his office. He sat down in his chair. “How are you feeling today?”

Jesse scratched his head as he dropped down between Saul and Kim. “Not as good as I was feeling yesterday. Got a fucking drug hangover.” He smiled as he looked from Kim to Saul. “So far this place beats the shit outta that other dump. Although I ain’t a big fan’a locked fences.”

“Have you considered that, instead of locking you in, the fences are locking the bad things out?” When Jesse just stared at him, Tony continued, “I’m glad you’re enjoying it, other than the fence. I was just waiting for you so we can all take a quick tour of the place.”

Jesse frowned. “Why?”

“Don’t you want to see what they have to offer?” Kim asked.

“I’m sure I’ll find out everything they got in the next six weeks.” Jesse focused on the doctor. “It’s not like I got a choice, right? We didn’t fly all the way out here for me to be able to say no.”

“That actually depends on you,” the doctor replied. “While it’s true that you are currently involuntarily hospitalized, once we do our initial psychological intake, we may find that you no longer need to be ordered to undergo treatment. At that time, you would be discharged. Then it will be up to you to decide if you want to voluntarily admit yourself. Or not admit yourself, if that’s what you choose to do.”

Jesse looked questioningly at Saul.

“They’re going to test you,” Saul explained. “If they think you can make your own decisions, they’ll let you decide if you want to stay here.”

Jesse returned his attention to the doctor. “But if I flunk the test, I gotta stay anyway?”

“It’s not really that type of test,” Tony countered. “But, yes, if we think you can’t make your own decisions, then you will just continue your current involuntary stay.” 

“I already admitted you,” Kim admitted. “Last night when we got here. They couldn’t admit you without me agreeing to it.”

Jesse turned his head to look at the blonde, then returned his attention to Tony. “I mean, everybody here seems real nice, and the place is awesome, but we thought that last place was gonna help me too.”

“What were some of your biggest problems with the other place?”

Jesse thought a minute before counting off on his fingers, “Doctor was a major douche. Other patients got all up in my shit. Food sucked. Couldn’t smoke.”

“What did the doctor do to make you not like him?”

Jesse sighed. “Dude kept pushing me to talk about shit, even when I told him I was starting to freak out. Then he’d keep pushing me, and I’d freak out, then he put me in the,” he made finger quotes, “’time-out’ room and that freaked me out even more, then he sedated the shit outta me. Next morning I’d wake up drug hungover and still pissed off.”

“So he didn’t respect your limits?”

Jesse paused, then nodded. “Yeah, dude totally didn’t respect my limits.”

“And the problem with the other patients?”

“I dunno if they didn’t have enough rooms, or not enough nurses, or what, but it seemed like people could get away with shit like bullying around other people.”

“Did someone bully you, J.J.?”

Jesse shrugged. “Not too much. Some douche kept calling me scarface and shoving me around.”

“I imagine that didn’t lend itself to making you feel like you were in a safe environment.”

“And, y’know, people weren’t allowed to go into other people’s rooms, but they did.”

Tony studied the young man. “Did someone go into your room without your permission?”

Jesse looked down at his hands. “But I really hated the no smoking thing, y’know?” He looked up at Tony. “I can smoke here, right?”

“Yes, we have several designated smoking areas, inside and out. The nurses will keep your cigarettes and lighter and someone will take you when you want to go for a smoke.”

Jesse scratched the end of his nose. “Gotta be supervised, huh?”

“Some patients do.”

Jesse inhaled deeply. “But the food, you guys don’t gotta worry about that. If everything’s as good as those waffles...” He smiled and patted his legs as he looked away.

“We have a nutritionist who will be working with you to help you improve your eating habits and to help you get back to your usual weight.”

Jesse stopped patting his legs and looked at Tony. “So, we gonna take a tour, or what?”

“J.J., let’s make something clear here: All of us,” he motioned around the room, “me, your family, and all of the staff here are willing to do all that we can to help you in your recovery, but nothing that we do will make any difference at all if you aren’t one-hundred-percent committed to this. Do you understand?”

Jesse sighed heavily. “Yeah, dude, whatever.”

Tony stared evenly at the young man. “You may call me Dr. Tony or Dr. Bulatti, but please don’t call me dude.”

Jesse buried his face in his hands. “Look, I don’t wanna be here, okay?” He lowered his hands, stood, and paced across the room. “I never should’ve fucking listened when you guys told me to go to that hospital.” He clenched his jaw. “I fucking trusted you and look what it got me!”

“J.J., please come back over here and sit down,” Tony directed.

Jesse hesitated, then he walked over and dropped into the easy chair across from both Tony and the sofa. “Fine, but I ain’t sitting next to them.”

“Oh, that’s mature,” Saul muttered.

Jesse glared at Saul. “It ain’t that, asshole. Look at you two, you’re always surrounding me. Fuck, you’re like walls closing in on me.” He looked at Tony when the doctor called his name.

“If someone you loved was talking about hurting his- or herself, what would you do?”

Jesse dropped his head forward and sighed. “I sure as shit wouldn’t lock them up in the crazy farm.” 

Tony leaned forward in his seat. “J.J., if you walked out of here right now, what do you see your future looking like?”

Jesse snorted and shook his head. “Fuck, I dunno. I ain’t one of those guys that has, like, a five-year-plan or whatever.”

“Forget five years. What about a week from now? Or a month from now?”

Jesse thought for a moment, then shrugged. “I don’t see a future for me,” he confessed softly.

“And that’s why your family put you here,” Tony stated quietly. “They want you to be able to see a future for yourself. And they want to be a part of that future.”

“He’s right,” Kim said. “We absolutely want to share the future with you.”

Saul swallowed thickly when Jesse looked at him. “Who else is going to call me a dork for all of my corny jokes?”

Jesse blew out his breath as he rubbed his forehead. “But it’s just so fucking overwhelming.”

“What’s the first thing you learn in group?” Tony asked.

Jesse groaned. “One day at a time.” He took a deep breath. “Now can we go on that tour?”

“Yes.” Tony got to his feet. “I think the fresh air will do all of us some good.”

0 0 0

Saul and Kim climbed into their rental car and Saul buried his face in his hands and leaned against the steering wheel. “I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but if they could just keep him doped up like he was yesterday, everything would be wonderful.” He dropped his hands and looked at Kim. “I mean it’s not even like the kid doesn’t like to be medicated. He was a junkie for chrissake!”

Kim punched Saul on the arm. “Jimmy! Jesus.” 

Saul shrugged. “I’m just saying that it could be a back-up plan.”

Kim frowned at him. “Do you really want to see J.J. as a drugged-up automaton?”

“Well, compared to Little Miss Mary Mood Swings back there...” Saul blew out his breath. “No, I wouldn’t really want him doped up all of the time.” He pursed his lips. “Maybe just weekends. Holidays.”

Kim shook her head. “You are an awful, awful man, Jimmy McGill.”

Saul looked at her. “And still you hang around with me.” He put the key in the ignition and started the car. “Which, by the way, says more about you than it does about me.”

Kim nodded as she looked out the side window. “Really not looking to get laid any time soon, are you?” She smiled and took Saul’s hand when it slid across the seat to her. She glanced at him. “Have you ever been to New England before?” 

“Nope. Never been east of Chicago. How about you?”

Kim shook her head. “Me and a couple of girlfriends went to New York City for a week years ago, but I’ve never been this far north.” She looked out the window again. “I didn’t think I’d miss the seasons, but there’s something about fall.”

“It is pretty here. Wonder how much snow they get.”

Kim thought a moment. “Probably not as much as Buffalo.” Her eyes widened and she tensed. “Jimmy! Look out!”

“Wha...? Shit!” Saul slammed on the breaks to avoid the animal about to walk into the street. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“What the hell?” Saul startled when there was a tap on his window. He rolled it down to reveal a very tall, exotic-looking man of about thirty leaning towards the car.

“Are you folks all right?”

Saul looked down at what the man was holding on a leash. “Is that a pig?”

“Well, boar, but yeah. I’m Dave Kamupeleni. I live over there at Buttercup Acres.”

Kim elbowed Saul in the ribs as she leaned across him to look out the window. “I’m Kim Wexler and this is Gene Taylor. We’re just visiting.”

“Nice to meet you, Kim, Gene. If you’re sure you folks are okay, me and Herschel will be on our way.”

“Get out!” Kim whispered, pushing against Saul. 

“No, pigs that big are dangerous. Haven’t you seen The Wizard of Oz?”

“Jesus, you big baby. It’s on a leash.” Kim moved to her side of the car, opened the door and got out.

Dave looked questioningly at Kim. “Problem?”

“No, not at all.” Kim leaned over to pet the boar before standing up and looking at the dark-haired man. “Like I said, we’re visiting, but we’re also considering maybe staying here more long-term. Since you’ve lived here a while, I wanted to see what you think about the place.”

Dave smiled at Saul when the other man finally got out of the car. “Herschel won’t hurt you. He’s been raised in the house.” 

“So he’s not destined for the breakfast table?” Saul asked, standing a little behind Kim and peering over her shoulder to look at the large animal.

“No, he’s a pet. Good watch dog.” Dave sifted his gaze back to Kim as he scratched his head. “I like it here. People are friendly, but not too friendly. Property’s reasonable, taxes are pretty low, lots of wide open spaces. Weather’s tolerable.” He shrugged. “Like I said, I like it here.”

Kim held out her right hand. “Well, thank you, Dave. It was nice meeting you.”

“You too.” Dave shook both of their hands, then started pulling on Herschel’s leash. “Come on, you old tub of lard. Let’s go find out how you got out this time.” He waved back at them. “Hope you enjoy your stay.”

Kim waved at him, then started walking back to the car. “Nice guy.”

“For a pig lover,” Saul mumbled under his breath as he got into the driver’s seat. “He should do a better job of keeping that pig locked up. Something that size could really hurt someone if they hit it.” He frowned when Kim smiled at him. “What?”

“It’s not like it was a deer running across the road. He was going three, four miles an hour at most.” When Saul ignored her to start the car, she added, “Stopping every couple of feet to root around in the ground.” She started giggling when Saul reached over and turned the radio up. She grabbed his hand in hers before settling back in her seat and watching the scenery pass by.

0 0 0

“Yo, I thought this place was for my brain, not my body,” Jesse told the nurse who was taking a blood sample.

“We have to make sure there aren’t any physical causes for your symptoms.”

“There are physical causes: I was chained up and locked in a cage for six months.”

“We’re looking for any diseases that might cause some of your symptoms,” Tony said as he came into the exam room.

“You mean other than asshole-Todd-itis?”

“Other than that. Thanks, Deirdre,” Tony said to the nurse, then he waited for her to leave before pulling over a rolling stool and sitting down next to Jesse’s exam bed. “I went over your chart. They really did a number on you, didn’t they?”

“Yeah, which is why we’ve been calling it torture, right?”

“I noticed some older wounds were listed. What caused those?”

Jesse raised his eyebrows. “Me being a klutz?”

“Ah, I see. So just how many separate times have you fallen onto a lit cigarette?”

Jesse looked away. “I dunno what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about old burn scars that happen to be just about the diameter of a cigarette.”

Jesse looked down at this hands. “Maybe they’re mosquito bites.”

“Maybe. What about the bite marks on your arm? Are those from mosquitos too? Or are they because you didn’t have access to cigarettes?” When the younger man didn’t answer, Tony said, “Personally, I think someone has to be in an overwhelming amount of emotional pain to chew on their own arm. What do you think? J.J.?” When the younger man finally met his gaze, Tony asked, “What happens that makes you feel like you have to harm yourself?” 

Jesse buried his face in his hands. “Fuck! I dunno! What do you want me to say? I hate myself? I have to be punished?”

“Who smoked when you were a kid? Your mom, your dad, or both?”

Jesse dropped his hands and balled them into fists as he glared at the doctor. “Not my mom.”

“So your dad was the one who taught you that being burned with a cigarette was the proper punishment for making a mistake?”

Jesse dropped his head back and sighed. “I never said that.” He looked back at the doctor when Tony called his name.

“Burning a child, or anyone else for that matter, with a lit cigarette is never the proper punishment for anything.”

Jesse’s covered his face with his hands and began crying. “But I’m just so fucking stupid.”

“J.J., you’re not stupid.”

“Yes, I am!” Jesse dropped his hands. “Everybody else knows so much stuff and I don’t know nothing!”

“I don’t believe that.”

Jesse studied the doctor. “Okay, yeah, I’m great at cooking crystal meth. A whole fucking lot’a good that does me, huh?”

“Well, it certainly proves my point that you aren’t stupid. I imagine there’s a fair amount of chemistry involved in that, isn’t there?”

Jesse thought a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” He sighed. “But so what? I can’t exactly do that for a living.”

“No, I wouldn’t advise it. But what if you take the initiative you had to start doing that and apply it to doing something you could make a living at?” 

“That’s the argument I got going around in my head all of the time, and I can’t figure out nothing to do that would make me any serious cheddar.”

Tony held his hands out. “Have you thought about doing something just because you enjoy doing it?” He smiled softly at the younger man. “J.J., you’re in a safe place where you don’t have any financial worries. We have all sorts of activities available. Why don’t you try them out and see if you find one you really enjoy?”

Jesse considered it. “Yeah, okay. It beats the shit outta sitting around talking all day.” He grinned sheepishly. “No disrespect.”

“None taken.” Tony studied the younger man. “I want to talk to you about your pain management. Have you ever tried marijuana for pain?”

Jesse slowly smiled. “Not for pain.”

Tony bit back a smile. “Fair enough. Have you smoked it when you were in pain?”

Jesse patted his leg as he thought. “Yeah, after some dude kicked the shit outta me.”

“Did it help?”

Jesse blew out his breath. “I don’t remember. It didn’t make it worse, though.” He grinned at the doctor. “Why? You got a baggie you wanna get rid of?”

“No, actually, I have a whole dispensary full of it and I’d like to see if we can use it to manage your chronic pain and help with your PTSD symptoms.”

Jesse’s mouth dropped open. “You’re shitting me.”

“No, not at all. Vermont legalized medical marijuana in 2008 and we’ve been having excellent results with it.”

Jesse’s eyes twinkled. “So, what? Everybody gets together at 4:20 and blazes one up?”

Tony couldn’t help but chuckle. “No, we have four different ways of administering it: rolled, oils, sprays and edibles. I’m going to start you out on an oil and see how your pain responds. Oils are more fast-acting that the others. You’ll need to let me know how your pain responds so that I can make any necessary adjustment to your dosage.” Tony stood and patted Jesse on the knee. “Come on, I’ll walk with you over to meet your nutritionist.”

0 0 0

“Oh! Oh!” Kim shoved her head back into her pillow and thrust her hips up to meet Saul’s mouth. She tangled her fingers in his hair to direct his tongue just where she needed it. “Ohgod! Yes! Right there!” She let out a long moan when another orgasm wracked through her body.

“Ow!” Saul muttered when Kim’s fingers closed in his hair, pulling him up. He licked his lips as he got onto his hands and knees and moved up the blonde’s body. “I’d like to keep what I have left.”

“Sorry.” Kim smiled up at him. “Come on, Jimmy, fuck me.”

Saul grabbed his hard-on and directed it to Kim’s wet entrance. He put his hands under her hips and lifted her as he shoved all the way in. “Jesuschrist!” He dropped down onto his elbows and began mouthing her breasts.

Kim wrapped her arms and legs around Saul and they began moving together, matching thrust for thrust, as they exchanged hungry kisses. Their moans and gasps filled the room as they began moving faster.

Kim threw her head back and moaned, “Jimmy!” as she came.

Saul began thrusting faster, until he clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut and filled Kim with his cum. “Fuck!” he breathed as his movements slowed. He opened his eyes and smiled at Kim. “Wow.”

Kim reached up and thumbed the tears from Saul’s cheeks, then pulled him down for a tender kiss. “Wow is right.”

0 0 0

“J.J.?” the group leader asked.

Jesse continued to slump over in his chair, his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. 

“J.J., can you sit up, please?”

Jesse let out a long sigh as he slowly straightened up in his seat. He cocked his head to one side as he looked at the leader.

“I’m going to toss you the mindfulness thumball and I’d like you to read and respond to the message under your thumb.”

Jesse held open his hands and caught the ball. He studied it for a moment before saying, “Imagine a safe place.”

“What would your safe place be like, J.J.?”

Jesse rubbed his forehead. “I dunno.” Then a small smile played across his lips. “A blanket fort.” He glared at one of the other group members when the guy let out a loud snort.

“Gabriel, there are no right or wrong answers here.” The leader returned his attention to Jesse. “What kind of blanket fort would make you feel safe?”

Jesse shook his head. “Nothing. It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it works for you.”

“No, it is stupid!” Jesse said, getting to his feet. “I gotta go for my P.T.” With that, he turned and hurried from the room, barely making it into the hall before he began crying.

0 0 0

Saul muttered under his breath when his phone started ringing, making him have to end his online solitaire game. “Hello?”

“Gene? It’s Tony Bulatti.”

“Oh, hey. Let me get Kim.” Saul turned in the bed and gave Kim’s shoulder a shake. “Hey, it’s Bulatti,” he told her.

Kim nodded as she inhaled deeply and forced herself awake. 

“Let me put you on speaker phone.” Saul pushed a button on his phone. “Okay, we’re here. How’s he doing?”

“He’s having his ups and downs,” Tony stated. “Which is standard for most patients during their first week here. As I said, he underwent a lot of testing, which was frustrating for him. We did ascertain that he has a mild form of dyslexia, so we’ll be offering him help for that as well as focusing on his PTSD.”

Kim said, “I take it we’re not looking at him being able to discharge himself any time soon.”

“I don’t think anyone on his team would advise it at this point in time,” Tony admitted. 

“Does he want us to bring him anything?” Saul asked.

“No.” Tony paused. “J.J. is feeling a lot of anger and frustration right now. I’m very hopeful that once he starts his intensive therapies this week, he’ll learn how to deal with those emotions.”

Saul snorted. “He tell you all to go fuck yourselves?”

Tony smiled. “Almost word for word.” He took a deep breath. “Just remember, he’s fine, and he’s where he’s going to get the help he needs. So I’d like you two to concentrate on taking care of yourselves while we take care of J.J.”

“Okay,” Saul said as Kim said, “We will.”

“I’ll call you next week.”

Saul hung up the phone and looked at Kim. “Hmm, looks like we’re under doctor’s orders to take care of each other.”

Kim smirked at Saul before reaching out to take his phone and toss it onto the nightstand, then she shifted around until she was halfway down the bed. Staring into his eyes, she slowly grabbed the elastic of his boxers and began lowering them down his legs.

0 0 0

Jesse let out a huge yawn and scratched his stomach as he slowly made his way forward in the morning medicine line. When he finally got to the perky brunette nurse, he frowned at the small paper cups she set down in front of him. “Yo, what’s all’a this?”

“Didn’t your doctor explain to you what you’d be taking?”

Jesse blinked. “Yeah, yeah, I remember now. Psych meds, right?”

“That’s what these are,” she said as she passed him two small cups and a plastic glass of water. After he took them, she passed him three more paper cups. “And these are your nutritional supplements.” She waited for him to take them before saying, “Okay, J.J., one last med and you’re done until this afternoon.”

Jesse looked suspiciously at the small brown bottle she was holding. “Yo, what’s that?”

“This is for your pain. It’s your cannabis oil. Now, open up please.” When Jesse frowned at her, the nurse added, “Open your mouth and lift your tongue.” When he complied, she put an eye dropper into his mouth and dropped two drops of the oil under his tongue. She smiled. “Now hold that under your tongue and you should start feeling the effects within a couple of minutes, and they should last about six hours. But let us know, okay?”

Jesse nodded and gave the nurse a thumbs-up as he left the line. 

0 0 0

Jesse settled up to his chin in scented hot water and looked around the darkened room. There were several candles and incense burning, and soft, new age music played in the background. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the way the hot water soothed his aching body. Just as he was about to nod off, the door opened and someone walked in. “Yo, it’s you.”

“I’m surprised you remember me.” Robert smiled. “How are you feeling after your physical therapy session?”

“Right now I’m feeling like I’m on a date.”

“Too much?” Robert asked, looking around. “Less candles? Different music?”

Jesse smiled and shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. So you my massage guy?”

“I am.” Robert carried a fluffy white robe to the hot tub and placed it near Jesse. “You can get out now and slip this on. Lie down on the table face up with just the sheet please.” He went over to a nearby table to begin readying his supplies while Jesse did as he was told. 

Jesse tossed the robe onto a chair and then eased himself up onto the table and pulled a soft white sheet over himself. “All set.”

Robert lifted a bottle out of a warmer and held it up. “Are you allergic to sandalwood?”

“Not that I know of.”

Robert put the bottle down and reached for Jesse’s sheet. “I’m going to pull this down to your stomach and start on your chest, okay?” When Jesse nodded, he carefully lifted the material and moved it down. “Oh, nice ink. We’re going to have to call you the boy with the dragon tattoo.” When he saw the confusion in the other man’s eyes, he said, “There’s a famous book called ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’.”

“I don’t read much.”

Robert poured some oil into his palm and rubbed his hands together. “I know. Who has the time, right? Now tell me right away if anything is uncomfortable, okay?”

Jesse tensed when Robert’s hands touched him, but then the warm oil and gentle touch began to relax him. “’S nice.”

“Thank you. You store your stress in your shoulders, don’t you?”

“Feels like all over.”

Robert smiled softly. “Well, don’t you worry. I’m going to get all of these nasty kinks out. But you’re probably going to be sore tomorrow.”

Jesse closed his eyes and adjusted his head on his pillow. “’Kay. I’ll just get some weed oil.”

Robert patted Jesse’s arm. “That’s the right attitude.”

0 0 0

“Okay, J.J., have a seat in that chair please.”

Jesse slowly sat in the indicated seat and looked around the large office before turning his attention to the woman who was busy at a computer terminal. He guessed her to be in her mid-forties. She had short-cropped blonde hair, she was shorter than him, and she wore bright red glasses.

“I’m Dr. Susan Thompson,” she said when she finally turned her attention to Jesse. “Have you ever done Neurofeedback before?” When he shook his head, she asked, “Have you ever played a video game?”

Jesse nodded. “Yeah. Lots.”

Susan approached him carrying a handful of wires. “Great, then this should be a piece of cake for you.”

Jesse gave her a small smile as she stopped next to him and started fingering the wires. “I like cake.”

Susan smiled. “I’m going to attach these leads to your head.” She leaned forward and pressed a finger through his hair. “Goodness, you have beautiful, thick hair, don’t you? Not to worry, we’ll get them in there.”

Jesse looked straight ahead and patted his hands on his knees while the doctor attached things to his head. When he felt himself start to get anxious, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

Susan paused. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah.”

“Almost done.” Susan attached two more leads and then stepped back. “Ready?”

Jesse frowned. “Don’t I need a controller?”

Susan smiled. “You control this one with your brain.”

Jesse slowly grinned. “Awesome.”

0 0 0

Jesse took a step back when Melanie brought a large buckskin horse out of the stall and stopped in the middle of the stable. “This is Bucky. He’s very gentle.” She slid her hand into her pants pocket and pulled out a sugar cube that she held in her palm under the horse’s nose. She smiled when Bucky nibbled it up. “He has a sweet tooth, don’tcha, fella.” Sensing Jesse’s reticence, she asked, “Would you like to pet him?” She ran her hand down Bucky’s nose.

Jesse paused, looking at the large animal, then he slowly stepped forward and copied Melanie’s movements.

“Here.” Melanie pulled out a sugar cube and handed it to Jesse. “Just lay your hand flat.”

Jesse tried to stop his hand from shaking as he held the treat out to Bucky, then he slowly smiled when the horse ate it from his hand. “Yeah, Bucky.”

0 0 0

The art instructor stood behind Jesse and looked at his canvas, trying to keep a neutral expression on her face despite the gruesome subject matter. “My goodness, that’s certainly vivid.”

Jesse looked over his shoulder. “You got anymore red paint?”

0 0 0

Saul ordered coffee for Kim and himself and then went to sit at the table the blonde had selected. “Well, this day was a disappointment.”

Kim frowned. “What was disappointing?”

“We walked all over Burlington and never once saw a coat factory.”

Kim sighed heavily. “Dork.”

“I have a coffee for Viktor and a caramel latte for Giselle.”

When Saul raised his eyebrows at Kim, she shook her head. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

0 0 0

“Welcome to your  [ first eye ](http://www.webmd.com/eye-health/picture-of-the-eyes) movement desensitization and reprocessing session,” Dr. Maggie Winters greeted as Jesse came into her office. “Quite a mouthful, huh? That’s why we call it EMDR. You can sit right there.” She motioned to a comfortable chair. “I know you were given the basics during your orientation, but do you have any questions?”

“I just tell you some memory and you make me move my eyes to forget it, right?” 

“In a way. You don’t actually forget the memory, but we’ll make it much easier for you to deal with. I want you to think about an incident that was very stressful for you. You don’t have to tell me any of the details, just something general about it,” she instructed as she settled into a chair directly across from Jesse.

Jesse flinched as the memory of Todd shooting Drew Sharp played in his head. “I saw some guy hurt a kid.”

“Okay, I want you to keep that memory in your mind while you use your eyes to follow my finger. Keep your head still, and just follow with your eyes.”

Jesse flicked his eyes back and forth as his eyes followed the doctor’s finger.

0 0 0

Jesse opened the door to the greenhouse and walked inside. “Yo, anybody here?”

“Be right there.”

Jesse yawned as he walked over to a nearby table and looked at the plants.

“You J.J.?”

Jesse turned around and smiled when he saw a young man walking towards him. He was very tall, with Hawaiian features, shoulder-length black hair, and both forearms were covered with intricate tattoos. “Dude, you are totally not the Farmer Fred I was expecting.”

The other man smiled. “Dave.” He held out his right hand. When Jesse held out his, Dave took his hand and turned it to look at the tattoo on Jesse’s arm. “Borneo scorpion. Means you’re brave.”

Jesse snorted. “Means I was high when I went to get some ink.”

Dave gave a little shrug. “Maybe, but I don’t think we pick ink at random.” He turned and started towards the back of the greenhouse. “I’m harvesting today. Can use some help.”

Jesse frowned at the man’s retreating back, then shrugged and followed him, pausing when Dave had to unlock a door to a separate room. “What’re we picking? Corn, tomatoes...?” He stopped in his tracks and his mouth dropped open he saw the rows of marijuana plants.

Dave pointed to a nearby table. “Blue Maui is ready.” He tossed Jesse a pair of gloves. “Watch me first.” He began trimming off the big leaves of one plant. When he was done doing that, he got a different pair of scissors. “See, you cut here. Then you take the branch over here and hang it upside down on this rack to dry. Don’t let the plants touch when they’re drying. Got it?” When Jesse nodded, Dave pointed to the opposite side from where he was working. “Then start at that end.”

Jesse broke out into a big grin as he began slipping on the gloves. “Sure, no problem.”

0 0 0

“Jimmy! Jimmy! Pull in there!”

Saul slowed the car and pulled into the parking lot Kim was pointing to, breaking into a big smile when he saw the name: Killarney’s Irish Pub. “Ah, yer a sweet lass after me own heart.”

Kim glanced over at Saul. “If you’re going to talk like that, we’re not going in.”

Saul smirked at her as he opened the car door and got out. He went around to her door and opened it. “I’m glad you saw this place. I’m starving.” He pointed to a sign by the door. “Look, they have karaoke on Thursday nights. What’s today again? Thursday, you say?” He pulled open the door and waved her in.

“I think I’m going to need a lot to drink,” Kim muttered.

“Aye, well, ye came to the right place, lass!” the bartender called out. “What can I start ye with?”

Saul looked around the lively bar with a big grin on his face. “I’ve come home to my people.”

0 0 0

Robert stopped at the nurses’ station. “Is J.J. in his room?”

“Yeah, I saw him go by several minutes ago, like he was running late for something,” Shirley replied.

“He was running late for me,” Robert said as he started down the hall. He stopped outside Jesse’s door and knocked. When there was no answer, he pushed the door open and called out, “J.J.?”

“Get out!”

Robert tensed. “J.J.? What’s wrong?”

“Leave me alone!” Jesse choked on a sob.

“I can’t leave until I know you’re all right,” Robert said quietly. “Can I see if you’re all right?”

Jesse sniffed. “’M not all right.”

Robert slowly walked into the room, trying to follow the other man’s voice. He stopped when he saw Jesse seated on the floor between his bed and the wall with his knees pulled up, his arms around his legs and his face buried in his knees. He sat down on the floor a couple feet away from the distraught man. “J.J.?”

Jesse sniffled loudly and reluctantly lifted his tear-streaked face. “I fucked up.”

“What happened?”

Jesse pulled up his left pant leg and shoved down his sock to reveal several new burn marks. “I’m such a fucking loser! I deserve to be locked up in the crazy farm!”

Before Robert could respond, Jesse jumped up, ran across his bed and out the door. “J.J., stop!” Robert got to his feet and went after Jesse. 

“J.J., we don’t run in here,” Shirley called out, straightening when she saw Robert in pursuit. “I’ll call security.”

“Call Tony,” Robert directed as he hurriedly passed the nurse. He pushed open the exit and went outside, pausing to look around.

“He went that way,” a short brunette said, pointing off towards the trail that went through the woods.

“Thanks.” Robert started to follow, then stopped when he saw a golf cart approaching with two security personnel in it. He went to meet them. “It’s J.J. Walker,” he said. “He’s not dangerous, he’s just upset. Wanda said he went towards the woods.”

Tony hurried up to the cart. “We’ll go with you. I want to talk to him.”

“Sure thing, Doc.” The driver waited until Tony and Robert were settled into the back before heading down the path.

“What happened?” Tony asked Robert quietly.

“He was late for our appointment, so I went to check on him. He’s really upset because he burned himself.”

Tony rubbed his chin and sighed. “I need to find out why he’s still self-harming.”

The driver slowed the cart when Dave stepped into the path. 

Dave walked towards the back of the cart and looked at Tony. “In the greenhouse. Got him calmed down a little.”

Tony smiled. “Thanks, Dave.” Tony got out. “Everyone wait here.” He took a deep breath and went to the greenhouse. Pulling open the door, he entered. “J.J.?”

There was a hesitation, and then a quiet, “Here.”

Tony walked around a corner and saw J.J. sitting on the floor near some large flowering plants. “Wow, I haven’t been in here for a while,” he said as he sat down near Jesse. “These plants have gotten huge.”

Jesse nodded as he continued to look down at his hands in his lap. “Are you gonna fire me?”

Tony looked confused. “Fire you?”

“At the other hospital, when I fucked up, my doctor fired me. Gave me to another doctor. I was on my fifth one when you came and got me.”

“You were assigned to five different therapists in the span of three weeks?”

Jesse shrugged. “I guess as soon as they found out how fucked up I was, they didn’t wanna deal with me no more.” He looked at Tony. “So, you gonna fire me too?”

“No, I’m not going to fire you,” Tony assured. “Are you going to fire me?” When Jesse frowned, he added, “I’ve obviously let you down. Do you want me to get you another therapist?”

Jesse’s frown deepened. “How’d you let me down?”

Tony spread his hands. “You think you have to run from me when you make a mistake. I must have done something to make you fearful of me.”

“I ain’t scared of you!” Jesse shot back, sitting up straight.

“Then why did you run?”

Jesse shook his head and blew out his breath. “I don’t know. I just did.”

Tony nodded. “Will you come to my office with me?”

Jesse narrowed his eyes. “Ain’t you gonna lock me up?”

“Nope.” Tony stood and wiped off his pants. “I think it’s time you and I drew up some contracts.” 

Jesse studied the doctor, then took Tony’s hand when the older man held it out to him, allowing Tony to help him to his feet. “You ain’t nothing like any of those other shrinks I had,” he muttered as he dusted himself off.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Tony said as he led Jesse to the door.

Dave pulled open the door and allowed Tony and Jesse to exit before asking Jesse, “You gonna be able to help me tomorrow?”

Jesse looked at Tony, who nodded. Jesse looked at Dave. “Yeah, I’ll be here.”

“Good.” Dave winked at Jesse before disappearing into the greenhouse.

“Would you like to walk back or ride?” Tony asked, indicating the cart.

Jesse sized up the small cart before climbing aboard. “I always wanted to ride in one of these.” He sat quietly until they got back to the main building, then he glanced sheepishly at Robert before looking away. “Sorry I missed my appointment.”

“I’m sure I’ll be able to squeeze you in some other time,” Robert replied as he got out of the cart, smiling at Jesse. He looked at Tony. “I’ll catch up with you later.” He tuned and left.

“Thanks, guys,” Tony told the security team after he and Jesse were out of the vehicle. He looked at Jesse. “Let’s stop by the medical clinic and get you some ointment, then we’ll go up to my office.”

Jesse nodded and fell into step with the doctor.

0 0 0

Saul punched a button on his phone and said, “Okay, we have you on speaker phone. How was week two?”

“First, let me give you his wish list,” Tony replied. “He would like a couple of pairs of flannel sleep pants, some more socks, a couple of long-sleeved tee shirts, a pair of slippers, but not the flip flop kind, and the Samoan sweat shirt.” 

“Aw man,” Kim whispered.

“He’d also like you to drop off a carton of his cigarettes because we apparently only carry brands that are whack and he just can’t hang with that anymore.”

Saul and Kim exchanged smiles, then Saul asked, “Is he doing okay on money?”

“He didn’t ask for any,” Tony replied. “As far as I know, he’s only purchased cigarettes. He’s eating everything we put in front of him, so he doesn’t need snacks.”

“Oh, so he’s eating well?” Kim pressed.

“Three meals and two snacks a day.”

“Wow, that’s fantastic,” Saul said. “So he must be gaining back weight, right?”

“Gradually. He’s found several activities that he really enjoys, so he’s burning a lot of calories. His nutritionist is thinking of adding an evening snack to supplement him.”

Kim and Saul high-fived each other before Kim asked, “What types of activities?”

“Painting and pottery, and he loves working with the horses in the equine center. He’s too timid to ride them yet, but he loves taking care of them. Oh, and he loves working in the greenhouse too.”

Kim shook her head. “Wow, what a turnaround from last week.”

“He’s settling in,” Tony stated. “And he’s made some friends, so that certainly helps.”

Saul rubbed his forehead. “Wow, Jesus, this is great news.”

Kim drew a deep breath. “Okay, now you can drop the other shoe.”

Tony chuckled. “Nothing too bad to report. He’s still exhibiting symptoms of his trauma, but he’s slowly learning how to deal with them. His moods seem to be leveling out. He did have one incident of self-harm, but considering how many strong emotions he’s dealing with, it isn’t that surprising.”

“Wait,” Saul interrupted. “Self-harm? What do you mean? Did he try to kill himself?”

“No, not at all,” Tony quickly assured. “He burned himself with a cigarette.”

“What the hell?” Saul demanded. “And you’re still giving him cigarettes?”

Tony paused. “You knew he was self-harming, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but I thought it was by using drugs.”

Kim frowned. “You never noticed the scars? On his lower legs?”

Saul blew out his breath. “I thought they were chemical burns, you know, from when he was, you know...”

“Cooking meth?” Tony interjected.

Saul raised his eyebrows. “Oh, so he told you about that?”

“Yes. He said it was the only thing he was ever good at doing.” Tony paused before continuing, “J.J.’s still reticent to discuss some things, but we’re making progress, slowly but surely. Overall, I’m feeling hopefully optimistic and you should be too.” Tony paused again. “How are you two doing?”

“Going a little stir crazy, but not too bad,” Saul admitted.

“But we’re good,” Kim tossed in. “It’s been nice to have some we time.”

“Very good.” Tony hesitated before adding, “It might be time to start making long-term plans.”

Kim raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“It’s only three weeks until family week, and after that, there’s a chance that J.J. might be switching to continuing care.”

Kim looked at Saul. “Damn, this just stopped being ‘wow, what a nice vacation’ and turned into ‘we better start looking for someplace for us all to live’.”

Tony cleared his throat. “Well, look at it this way: I doubt you’ll be going stir crazy anymore.”

0 0 0

Jesse kept his gaze lowered as he handed a card to Dr. Marc Kingsley before sitting down opposite the medium built African-American man.

The doctor looked over the card briefly before looking at his patient. “It looks as though it’s been a tough week for you. These numbers are higher than last week.”

Jesse nodded as he kept his gaze down. “Doctors have been dredging up all kinds of shit. It’s been making my head hurt.”

“Yeah, that’s usually how it is the first few weeks. I see you hurt yourself.”

Jesse nodded again. “Just kept thinking about what a fuck up I am and it just happened.”

“Can you give me an example of what you did to make you think that you’re a fuck up?”

Jesse shrugged. “I said something stupid in group.”

“What did you say?”

Jesse sighed heavily. “I said that I imagined a blanket fort as my safe place.”

The doctor shook his head. ‘I don’t understand. What’s stupid about that?”

Jesse finally met the doctor’s gaze. “Because it’s something a five-year-old would say!”

“Maybe. But when you just said blanket fort, it made me remember how much I used to love to make those and it brought me a sense of peace and happiness. I can very much agree that a blanket fort is a safe place.” Marc studied Jesse for a moment before asking, “What do you think that was a stupid statement?”

Jesse shrugged a little. “’Cause some guy laughed at me.”

Marc raised his eyebrows. “Someone laughed at you in group? Out loud?”

“Well, more like a...” Jesse made a snorting sound.

“Do you think there’s a possibility that that person made that sound because he also was reminded of how much fun he had with blanket forts when he was younger?”

Jesse slumped back in his seat and pondered the question. “Yeah, I guess it’s a possibility.”

“I’m going to give you an assignment for the next week. Every time you criticize yourself, I want you to think about two things: one, is the criticism really warranted, or are you being too demanding of yourself? And two, if you did make a mistake or failed at something, what is the worst thing what is going to happen because of it? Can you do that for me?”

Jesse grinned. “If I don’t, does that count as a failure that warrants criticism?”

Marc smiled. “Yes, it does.” He glanced at the card again. “Now, about this physical misery column, it’s all low numbers. Have you noticed that your physical and medicinal therapies are having a positive impact on your chronic pain?”

“Yeah, totally. I mean, I think the weed oil dulls everything, but I think the massages are actually making things better.” Jesse paused. “And I wasn’t sure about the acupuncture. I thought that was just bullshit, y’know, but it seems to be doing something right.”

“So how would you say your mood has been without the constant pain?”

“Huh.” Jesse thought about it, then said, “I been so caught up in my head, that I haven’t really thought about how good my body feels.” He moved his body around and slowly smiled. “Yeah, science!”

0 0 0

Saul pulled the car to a stop near the end of the long driveway and cut the engine. “Wow.”

“Oh my god, Jimmy, this is it!” Kim opened her door and got out, trying to take in all of the sights at once. She took Saul by the arm when he came over to her. “This is perfect.”

“If it isn’t, it’s pretty damn close.” Saul smiled as he pointed at the nearby pond. “I can hear him now: dude, we got our own lake!”

“Fifty acres.”

“Looks like you get your riding mower after all.”

Kim held up a key. “Let’s go check out the house.”

“Don’t you mean the 1810 brick Federal home?” Saul chuckled when they turned a corner. “Oh, hey, we have our own cow house.”

Kim looked at him in confusion. “Cow house?”

“That’s what he calls them. He was too adorable to correct.”

Kim smiled softly. “I like it. I think we should call it ‘the cow house’.” She held her hands up and spread them apart. “Put a big sign up.”

“Well, that’s one way to let the locals know who the noobs are.”

0 0 0

Jesse took a long drag from his cigarette as he sat on a bench in front of the observation window in the solarium looking at all of the large plants. He smiled at a young woman who sat down on the bench with her own cigarette. “Yo, seems like a shame to smoke all up in these plants, huh?”

“Hadn’t really thought about it.” She studied Jesse for a moment. “We’ve been in a couple of groups together, haven’t we?”

“Yeah, I think so. I mean, no offense, but there seems like a ton’a people here, y’know.”

She nodded. “Yeah, but I remember you.”

Jesse pursed his lips. “Kind’a hard to miss.” He waved his hand in front of his face.

“No, I meant your eyes,” she said. “They’re really blue.” She blushed and looked away.

Jesse smiled softly, then cleared his throat. “Wait, I remember now: the morning small group support, right? You were sitting next to that big guy that kept interrupting everybody.”

“Yeah, he was a jerk.”

“Total jerk. My name’s J.J.”

“Alice.”

Jesse put his cigarette out in a nearby ashtray. “Well, I better bounce. I’m gonna go work in the greenhouse now.”

Alice extinguished her cigarette. “I’m supposed to go to the gym for strength training.”

“You wanna walk with me? Gym’s on the way.”

“Sure.” 

0 0 0

“Hey, now, none of that,” Justina told one of the other night nurses when she tried to stifle a big yawn. “We still have five hours on shift.” She looked at her watch. “Speaking of which, I’ll go do the checks.” She picked up a clipboard and pen and started down the hall.

After checking the first three rooms, Justina peeked in the fourth to find the patient in bed with the lamp on. “Trouble sleeping, Lisa?”

“No, just had to pee.”

“Okay, good night.” Justina continued checking rooms, happy to be marking everyone off as being present. She pushed open the door to Jesse’s room, frowning when she heard quiet sobs. “J.J.? Are you all right?”

There was a loud sniff and then a quiet, “Yeah.”

“You sound like you might be sad.”

“I don’t like sleeping alone.” Jesse sniffled again. 

“Yeah, it’s hard when you’re used to sharing a bed, isn’t it? Tell you what, why don’t you come with me while I finish my checks, and then we can sit and talk for a little while. How’s that sound?”

There was a pause and then Jesse quietly got out of bed, wiping his face on his long sleeves.

Justina held open the door for Jesse and then followed him into the hall. 

0 0 0

Saul looked at Kim and sighed. “So, you’re really sure you want to split up?”

Kim slumped back in her seat. “No, but I want to make sure we have time to take care of both places, and I’m not sure we will if we don’t split up.”

“Yeah, but I just have to pack up my personal things and put the place on the market. You have your whole house to pack up.”

“But I’m not going to. I’m just going to pack some clothes and a few personal items. The movers are going to pack and take everything else. Then we get to meet in Omaha and drive back here.”

“I’ve been thinking about that. Why don’t we just sell both cars and buy something out here? We’re probably going to need a four-wheel-drive for winter.”

Kim pondered the idea. “It would be easier.”

“So would selling your place furnished like I am.”

Kim frowned. “But I like my stuff.”

Saul lifted one eyebrow. “But is it going to be appropriate in an 1810 brick Federal?”

Kim leveled her gaze at Saul. “We are not decorating it with nineteenth century furniture. It’s going to be cozy and homey. Lots of squishy furniture and blankets and pillows.”

Saul’s eyes twinkled. “And just where might one purchase squishy furniture?”

Kim smirked. “At the squishy furniture store, of course.” She got to her feet and held out her hand. “Come on. Buy me lunch and convince me to leave my furniture behind.”

0 0 0

Jesse yelled as he picked up a large foam block and threw it against the padded wall. “Fuck you, asshole!” He turned around and kicked a large foam ball as hard as he could. “I’m done with you telling me what to do, prick!”

Tony watched the video until Jesse finally collapsed from exhaustion, a smile on the young man’s face. He shut off the monitor and turned to Jesse. “Do you realize what a breakthrough this is?”

Jesse’s cheeks were pink from embarrassment. “I dunno about breakthroughs, but, man, that felt awesome!”

Tony smiled. “I imagine it did. It looks like you released a lot of bottled up emotions. Now, do you think next time, instead of sitting in your room struggling with your feelings, that you can ask to go to the stress relief room?”

Jesse thought a moment, then slowly nodded. “Yeah, I think I can.” He inhaled deeply. “I hated him so much, especially at the end. But I loved him too, y’know?”

“Those types of feelings are completely understandable, given that he held you prisoner, but that you were also dependent upon him for your very survival.”

Jesse frowned. “He didn’t really hold me prisoner.”

“He didn’t? I thought he kept you chained up.”

“Oh, Todd, yeah. No, that’s not who I was talking about. I never loved that asshole.”

“Your dad?”

Jesse’s frown deepened. “I don’t hate my dad.” He rubbed his forehead. “There was somebody else.”

“Your business associate?”

“How do you know about him?” Jesse sighed. “Gene.”

“He didn’t say much, other than that this associate was pretty manipulative.”

“That he was.” Jesse studied the doctor. “There’s something you should probably know, but I’m afraid to tell you.”

Tony cocked his head to one side. “Why are you afraid?”

Jesse swallowed. “Because I think that if I tell you, you’re either gonna hate me or call the cops.”

“There’s not much you could tell me that would make me hate you, and the only obligation I have for notifying the police is if you were to tell me you were planning on killing someone.”

Jesse licked his lips. “My real name ain’t J.J. Walker. It’s Jesse Pinkman.”

“Jesse Pinkman? It sounds familiar but...”

“How about Heisenberg?” Jesse interrupted.

Tony nodded. “He was the drug kingpin that was hiding out in New Hampshire.”

“That’s him. Was him,” Jesse corrected. “And I was his partner.”

Tony rubbed his chin. “Okay, you’ve told me and I don’t hate you, nor am I inclined to call the police.”

“But I’m wanted.”

“Is Jarrod Walker wanted for any criminal activity?”

Jesse snorted. “He better not be, not for the amount of cheddar I laid down for him.”

Tony bit back a smile. “As long as I have your assurances that no one will come to the Institute with any sort of warrant for Jarrod Walker, then I don’t see a problem.”

Jesse narrowed his eyes. “You don’t think I should turn myself in and pay for my crimes?”

“Is that the only way you can pay for your crimes? By going to prison? Will that undo anything that you’ve done? Other than keeping you locked up, how is that paying for your crimes?”

“I dunno. It just seems like I should have to pay for what I did.”

“And you can. Jesse, putting you into prison isn’t going to do anyone any good. Putting you out there,” he motioned towards the window, “where you can maybe keep at-risk youth from making your mistakes could do a lot of people good.”

“But I don’t wanna be Jesse Pinkman anymore. He was a loser.”

“Jesse Pinkman isn’t a loser, he’s a survivor. And after everything you’ve been through, don’t you think you should benefit from all of the hard work you’ve put in here in dealing with your traumas?”

Jesse blew out his breath. “So what? I should just forget about J.J. and go back to using my real name?”

“No, I didn’t say that,” Tony stated. “I’m saying you can’t just bury Jesse Pinkman and pretend he never existed, because that’s not going to work. What you choose to call yourself on the outside is irrelevant, but inside, you need to own Jesse Pinkman, and give him the healing he deserves.”

Jesse nodded slowly as he pondered the doctor’s words. “Yeah, I see what you mean.” He put his elbow on the arm of his chair and rested his chin in his hand. “It just feels so weird.”

“What feels weird?”

Jesse shrugged. “Everything was always so...” he reached out his free hand and grasped the air, “right there, y’know? But now, after all’a this therapy and shit, it’s all starting to just seem like a bad dream. I mean, shit still hits me, but it doesn’t seem as bad.”

“Hmm.” Tony rubbed his chin. “I wonder if there’s a term for that.”

Jesse smirked at the doctor. “Yeah, yeah, coping mechanisms.”

Tony smiled. “I am so proud of you, Jesse Pinkman. You have made remarkable progress in just a few weeks.”

0 0 0

Jesse closed his eyes and let his mind drift with the soothing music as Robert worked to get the kinks out of his back. He inhaled deeply and let his body relax as Robert’s strong hands moved up and down his back. Suddenly his eyes popped open when he felt a stirring in his groin. “Uh...”

Robert paused. “Is something wrong?”

Jesse swallowed. “Uh, something’s happening.”

“Am I hurting you?”

Jesse let out an awkward chuckle. “No, it ain’t hurting.”

Robert smiled. “Oh, don’t worry about that, that happens all of the time during massages.”

Jesse raised up on one elbow and looked over his shoulder at Robert. “But this hasn’t happened to me in months.”

Robert raised his eyebrows. “Oh, I see.” He thought a moment, then said, “I just remembered I need to go check something in my office for a little bit.” He went to the counter and picked up a bottle of unscented oil from the warmer and a clean towel and set them both down in front of Jesse. “You just... relax and I’ll be back soon. Not too soon, but, you know.”

Jesse watched Robert leave the room and close the door behind himself, then he picked up the oil and towel and rolled onto his back. He tentatively grasped his cock and stroked it, letting out a gasp when it started filling. He paused long enough to pour some oil into his hand before he began jerking off to thoughts of being balls-deep inside Kim while Saul was balls-deep inside of him.

0 0 0

Saul put the phone on speaker. “What’s he need this week?”

“He would like you to bring him stuff to keep him warm.” Tony reported. “He has his nice coat, but I’m assuming he’d like the extras now: hat, scarf, gloves.”

“Yeah, J.J. isn’t a real fan of the cold,” Kim said.

“That’s because he doesn’t have any meat on his bones,” Saul shot back.

“Well, he has more meat on them now than when he got here. Last time he was weighed, he was at one-thirty-two.”

“Wow, he must be shoveling it in with both hands.” Saul smiled at Kim. “Good for him.”

“He’s doing very well. He’s applying the techniques we are teaching him to cope with his anxiety and depression. He started working with his special education teacher, and although he was reluctant at first, he’s starting to make some real progress there.”

Saul shook his head in wonderment. “Wow, I can’t believe how well he’s doing.” 

“So him switching to a continuing care status is becoming more of a real possibility, isn’t it?” Kim asked.

“It’s looking that way.”

“We bought a farm,” Kim said. “It’s just up the road.”

“Congratulations. That’s a big step.”

“I think the kid is going to love it,” Saul added. “It has lots of room for a growing boy.”

Kim frowned. “You make him sound like he’s five.”

“I know he’s not a boy,” Saul muttered. “I’m just saying that I remember how much he liked running around out in the woods at the cabin.”

“Are you remembering to give yourselves some me time?” Tony interjected quietly.

“Funny you should mention that...” Saul began.

“We’re not splitting up in that sense,” Kim quickly explained. “It’s just that we both have condos in separate cities, so we’re each flying home to get them ready to sell.”

“Wow, so I imagine you’re both feeling pretty stressed right now.” Tony paused. “When you come in to drop off the items on J.J.’s wish list, I’ll have a couple of cheat sheets on stress reduction waiting for you. These are simple, do-anywhere techniques that can help calm you.”

“I’ll take it!” Kim replied.

“Yeah, it’s probably better than a bottle of scotch.”

“So we’ll see you in two weeks for family week?”

Kim beamed. “Of course. We wouldn’t miss it. I can’t wait to see J.J.”

“Yeah, me either,” Saul added wistfully. “Kind of got used to having the kid around.” 

“Oh yes, J.J. wanted me to tell you that everything is up and working again, which I imagine is him alluding to the fact that he no longer has erectile dysfunction.”

Saul snorted. “Good for him.” He blew out his breath. “Okay, doc, thanks for the call. We’ll see you soon.” When the doctor bid farewell, he disconnected the call and looked at Kim. “Well, I guess we better clear our calendar for the week after he gets home.”

Kim’s eyes twinkled. “Now I really can’t wait to see J.J.!”

Saul mock pouted. “Hey.”

“Aw, don’t worry. You and he are like the difference between riding in a luxury car and riding on a motorcycle. Sometimes a girl just needs to feel that thrust between her legs.”

“Yeah, he does have some great thrust,” Saul admitted. He sighed. “Not to mention his tight little ass.”

“Okay, perv, let’s go pack.”

“Hey, you’re the one who was talking about riding him like a motorcycle, cougar.”

0 0 0

Jesse pushed open the door to the greenhouse. “Yo, Dave.”

“Hey, Brah,” the big man answered. “Wanna show you something.”

Jesse followed Dave into the adjacent room. “Sup?” He broke into a big grin when he looked at what Dave was pointing to. “No way!”

“Our first hybrids.”

“Right on!” Jesse carefully looked them over. He jumped up and slapped his palm against Dave’s when the tall man held his hand up over Jesse’s head. “Gotta bounce. Late for group.”

“Malama pono.”

0 0 0

Jennifer McNair handed out notebooks to the five people in the group. “ For the next week, during your free time, I would like you to write your deepest thoughts and feelings about the most  [ traumatic ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/trauma) experience of your life. I'd like you to really let go and explore your deepest emotions and thoughts.”

Jesse frowned as he looked at the notebook in his hands. “Yo, I ain’t real good at writing.”

Jennifer smiled. “It doesn’t matter. No one is going to read this except you. You don’t have to worry about spelling or grammar or even writing in complete sentences. If you’re more comfortable drawing, add some pictures for emphasis. The only thing that I’m asking is the you write in it every day.”

0 0 0

Saul waited until the real estate agent had time to walk through his condo before asking, “Well, what do you think?”

The tall blonde looked around the drab living room again. “I think if you stage it, you should get close to market value for it.”

“Stage it?”

“Bring in some new furniture, make it look more like an upscale condo.”

Saul snorted. “Look, you put lipstick on a pig and it’s still a pig, right? You and I both know this is never going to be an upscale condo, no matter how much work I put into it.”

“Well, you can always use it as a rental income property.”

Saul rubbed his chin. “That might be the best way for me to go. Can you handle overseeing everything, because I’m moving out of state.”

“Definitely. We have three tiers of rental management. Shall we go back to the office and discuss them?”

“Yeah, let’s.” Saul pulled out his phone and dialed it while he walked out with the agent and waited for her to lock up. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Kim? Yeah, it’s me. Listen, instead of selling your place, check into renting it out, okay? We could use it for the tax write-off.”

“Jimmy? What are you talking about?”

“Instead of selling our places, we’ll use them for investments,” Saul explained. “You know, like a place to invest our money? Wink. Wink.”

“Jimmy...”

“Look, just think about it, okay? I’ll call you tonight.”

Kim frowned at the phone when Saul hung up, then she smiled at the young Hispanic real estate agent. “What are my options if I choose to rent it out instead of selling it?”

0 0 0

Jennifer looked up when she heard a soft tap on her door. She smiled when she recognized Jesse. “Hi, J.J. Can I help you?”

Jesse hesitated a moment, then asked, “Can I have another notebook? I filled that one up.”

“Wow, good for you.” Jennifer grabbed two notebooks from a nearby shelf and handed them to Jesse. “Just in case.”

“Right on. Thanks!” 

0 0 0

Alice walked into the arcade and looked around warily. “It’s awfully crowded here.”

Jesse nodded as he followed her off. “Yeah. If it gets to be too much, tell me and I’ll do some calming exercises with you, okay?”

Alice drew a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Hey, J.J., let’s go hit the go-karts,” Chase, a medium-built redhead, called out.

“Hold on,” Dave said. “Before any of you go anywhere, what are the rules?”

Jesse smiled at Alice as he and everyone else recited, “Stay with your group and stay in sight of your chaperone.”

“Very good,” Dave said. “Have fun. Chaperones, we’ll meet back here in two hours.” He waited for Jesse, Alice, Wanda, Terry and Malcolm to join him before asking, “What do you guys want to do first?”

“I’m wanna go use my mad game skillz on the video games,” Jesse answered. “Wanna come?” he asked Alice.

Alice smiled. “Sure.” She and Jesse fell into step with the three other patients and Dave and as they made their way through the brightly colored lights.

“See anything you wanna do?” Jesse asked as he and Alice made their way slowly through the crowd.

“Not shooting,” Alice quickly replied, steering them away from the duck hunter game.

“No, totally. Shooting sucks. You wanna try the Mario carts?”

“Okay.” Alice watched as Jesse pulled out some cash and put it on the counter, then watched as the attendant gave him a handful of tokens.

Jesse picked them up and held his hand out to Alice. “Go ahead,” he told Alice, motioning to the tokens.

“We’re not supposed to share things.”

“Aw, they just mean personal shit like our clothes. You can share these with me.” Jesse held a token out to Alice. “Go on.” He smiled. “We can race each other.”

Alice smiled and took the token. She stepped up to the game next to Jesse, dropped the token in the slot and began racing her car.

“Winner gotta pay for the next game!” Jesse teased as he maneuvered his car through the obstacles.

0 0 0

Jesse grinned as Terry, Wanda and Malcolm showed off their small prizes while they walked across the dimly lit parking lot to get to the meeting place for the bus. He looked back over his shoulder to ask Alice a question when he saw that she was squatted down digging a rock out of her shoe. He stopped to wait for her. Hearing a car start up, he noticed one near Alice start to back up. “Hey, wait!” he cried out as he hurried to assist Alice, who froze when she saw the car moving towards her. Just as he bent down to pull her up, the car stopped.

“Are you kids all right?” the driver asked as he got out of the car. “Lucky I saw you running,” he told Jesse.

“Everybody okay?” Dave asked as he and the others hurried over.

“J.J. saved my life,” Alice said, getting unsteadily to her feet.

Jesse turned wide eyes on Dave. “That was kind’a scary.”

0 0 0

Kim rolled over and picked up her phone when it started to ring. “Hey,” she greeted when she saw it was Saul’s number.

“What are you wearing?”

Kim giggled. “Butt ugly flannel pajamas.”

“Oh, you know how those drive me crazy!”

Kim sat up against the headboard. “Hey, I was thinking about the whole furniture debate.”

Saul groaned. “Can we talk about your butt ugly pajamas instead?”

“No, listen, I think it’s a good idea for neither of us to bring any furniture to the new place.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, J.J.’s not going to have anything from his place, which is up for sale, by the way. But anyway, I think it would be great if we all just picked out new furniture for our new house.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Cuts out the whole ‘don’t mess up my stuff’ argument you have when you move into someone else’s place.”

Kim smiled. “Are you speaking from experience?”

Saul cleared his throat. “Along those lines, I was thinking that we shouldn’t skimp on our bed. You know, king size, pillow top, the whole nine yards.”

“That sounds like heaven. We’ll get cozy flannel sheets and a thick, squishy flannel comforter...”

“Why, Ms. Wexler, I never knew you had a flannel kink.”

“I have a few kinks you don’t know about yet,” Kim teased. “Did you know that the elastic in the waistband of these pajamas are loose enough for me to slip both hands inside?”

Saul swallowed. “Yeah?”

“Just. Like. This. Oh, I forgot to put on panties after my bath.”

“Wait! Hold on!” Saul pleaded. “I have too many clothes on!”

Kim dropped her head back and giggled when Saul dropped the phone and she could hear him cursing as he tried to quickly strip off his clothes.

“Okay,” he finally said, out of breath. “Your hands are in your pants... Hey, that is not funny!” he added when he heard a soft snore.

Kim bit back laughter and said, “My hands are in my pants and I’m getting so wet just thinking about how big and hard you are...”

0 0 0

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Justina asked Jesse, looking the young man over with a critical eye.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“He’s better than fine,” Dave added, squeezing Jesse’s shoulder. “He’s koa. Brave,” he explained. He smiled at Jesse. “I told you ink doesn’t lie.” When Jesse blushed, Dave added, “Don’t be embarrassed, be proud.” Dave stepped in front of Jesse and grasped the smaller man’s shoulders. “E pili mau na pomaika`i ia `oe, kaikua’ana. May blessings ever be with you, brother.” 

Jesse beamed. “Thanks.”

Dave nodded as he stepped away. “Now, go get some sleep. We have plants to harvest tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I will.” Jesse watched the tall man leave, then started walking towards his room. He paused and looked back at Justina. “’Night.” When he got to his room, he sat on his bed and lifted his right wrist to look at his tattoo, a satisfied smile on his face.

0 0 0

“Hi, J.J., come in,” Tony greeted as Jesse’s slowly walked into his office. “Would you like to sit over by the windows today?” When the younger man only shrugged in response, Tony walked across the room and stopped in front of a large window, motioning for Jesse to take a seat, and then he sat in a nearby chair. “How are you feeling this morning?”

Jesse swallowed. “Scared.”

“Someone as brave as you? What are you afraid of?”

“Oh, you heard about that, huh?”

“It was a very brave thing that you did,” Tony stated. “You quite possibly saved Alice’s life. But I digress. What are you frightened of?”

Jesse bit his lower lip. “Next week is Family Week. What am I going to do if Kim and Gene don’t want me now?”

“It’s a legitimate concern,” Tony allowed. “What exact behavior are you concerned about them not liking?”

“I dunno.”

“You’re healthier, you’re happier, you are in much better control of your emotions.” Tony shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess.” Jesse reluctantly nodded. “Okay, I’ll try not to cross that bridge unless we come to it.” He paused. “I got a question about Family Week: are they gonna stay here the whole time, or...?”

“They’ll be here from 9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. Monday through Thursday, and then Friday 9:00 A.M. to 1:30 P.M.”

Jesse looked disappointed. “So no overnights?”

“No, I’m sorry, no conjugal visits.” Off Jesse’s confused expression, Tony said, “No sex. You’ll have to save that until you get home.”

“Damn, that sucks. Especially now that everything’s working again.”

Tony bit back a smile. “I have complete faith that you’ll be able to survive without sex for another week.”

Jesse frowned. “Does that mean that I’m going home next week?”

“Depending on how everything goes with your family, I believe we will recommend you switching to continuing care after next week.” 

Jesse threw his hands up. “Yes!” 

0 0 0

Jesse tapped his feet and looked at the clock in the Day Room again, mentally groaning when it was only three minutes after the last time he checked.

“I hope my little sister comes,” Wanda said quietly. 

“I hope my whole family doesn’t come,” Malcolm muttered. He sighed. “Not really, but sometimes we don’t all get along.”

“I’m dreading having lunch with them,” Chase admitted. “Sit up straight. Elbows off the table. Blah blah blah. Like, what difference does it make, right?”

“Totally,” Terry agreed. “I’m sure my folks are going to keep looking at my plate to make sure I’m eating.”

They all paused when Shirley’s voice came over the intercom. “Families are arriving. Let’s try not to trample anyone.”

Everyone stood, each one leaving the impromptu group as they saw their family come in until it was just Malcolm and Jesse.

Malcolm’s face lit up. “They’re here!” He looked at Jesse and hesitated.

“Go on, dude,” Jesse encouraged. “They’re looking for you.” He continued to watch the door, getting more anxious as each moment passed. He broke into a big grin when they finally came through the door. He hurried to them and they all grabbed each other up in a fierce group hug.

Jesse ignored the tears running down his cheeks when he finally pulled back. “God, I missed you guys so much!”

Kim wiped away her own tears before getting a good look at the younger man. “Wow, you look fantastic, sweetie!”

“You look like a million bucks, kid,” Saul added. “Looks like they’ve been treating you right.”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Jesse admitted. “Real good.” He glanced from Saul to Kim. “You guys look good too.” He sighed. “It’s like I’ve been waiting and waiting to see you guys and now you’re finally here! I got so much I wanna tell you and show you...” He broke down into tears.

Kim gently pushed Saul in Jesse’s direction. 

“Hey, It’s okay,” Saul said as he pulled Jesse into a tight embrace. “We’ll have lots of time together when you get out of here.”

Jesse nodded against Saul’s chest, savoring the bigger man’s strong arms around him. “I’ve just been so lonely.” He pulled away and sniffed loudly. “I mean, I got friends here, y’know, but you can’t touch nobody and you gotta sleep alone.”

Kim frowned sympathetically. “That must be hard for you.” She pulled Jesse into a tight embrace. “Well, when you get home, I’ll hug you until you can’t be hugged anymore.”

“That’ll take a long time,” Jesse murmured against the blonde’s neck. “I got a lot to catch up on.” He reluctantly pulled away when three chimes rang out. “It’s time for group.” He wiped his face on his sleeve. “I think you guys are supposed to meet up in the Day Room, through that door,” he pointed.

Saul hesitated. “What about you?”

“I got my own group.”

“But I thought this was family counseling,” Saul said.

“It is. You guys are in a group with other families so you can talk about how awesome it is to a have crazy person in the family.”

“Uh...” Saul glanced at Kim. “This isn’t at all what I thought it was going to be.”

Kim sighed. “You didn’t read the material I gave you, did you?”

“Don’t worry, the three of us will have our own group sessions,” Jesse assured. “But you better get going. I’ll meet you afterwards for lunch.” He gave each of them a quick kiss. “That way,” he reminded, pointing the way before he began sprinting off in the opposite direction.

“Oh man, this is going to be a long week,” Saul complained as he fell into step with Kim.

“It’s only a few hours a day for a week,” Kim reminded. “J.J. has been doing this for twenty-four/seven for the past five weeks.” She gently elbowed him. “Cheer up. Maybe they’ll have coffee and donuts.”

0 0 0

Jesse smiled when he saw Kim and Saul. “Hey, see, you survived it. I knew you could.”  
“Yeah, yeah,” Saul muttered.

Jesse looked at Kim. “How many times did he fall asleep?”

Kim grinned. “Just once.”

“Did you nudge him awake, or wait for him to snort and wake himself up?”

“I am right here, you know.” Saul’s complaint was cut off when Jesse hugged him.

“Yeah, I know,” the young man said against Saul’s chest. He pulled away and took both Kim and Saul by the hand. “Come on, let’s eat and then I can show you around before our afternoon group.”

0 0 0

“It looks like you’ve made a lot of friends,” Kim remarked after they left the dining room.

“Lotsa good people here. My room’s this way. It looks different than the first day.” Jesse opened the door and motioned Kim and Saul inside.

“Wow, it is different.” Kim looked around at all of the motivational posters and drawings on the walls. “Much more homey.”

Jesse walked over to his bookcase. “These are the things they got me to help with my reading.” He pointed out some books and flashcards. “I kinda felt like a retard when I started using them, but my therapist says I’m making good progress.” He shrugged, embarrassed.

“Well, I’m very proud of you,” Kim said as she walked over and put her arm around his shoulders. “Besides, you’re never too old to learn.” 

“Yeah, I guess. Oh hey! Let me see if we can go down to the stress relief room. It’s awesome!” Jesse led the out to the nurses’ station and once he got the okay, he took them downstairs. “You gotta take off your shoes.” Once everyone was in their stocking feet, he opened the door and led them into a brightly colored, foam padded room containing a mix of large foam shaped objects. He picked up a large ball and hurled it at the wall. “This place has helped me so many times, especially when I first got here.” He picked up a block and tossed it to Saul. “Throw it.”

Saul looked at the block and then lightly tossed it.

“No dude! You gotta put your anger into it.” Jesse picked up another one and yelled as he hurled it across the room. “Like that.”

Kim smiled as she picked up a ball and grunted as she tossed it. “Okay, that was pathetic,” she admitted. She picked up another one and yelled as she threw it with all of her might. She broke into a big grin. “Wow, that did feel good.”

“Yeah, this is where I got out a lotta anger at Mr. White.” Jesse picked up a block. “Fuck you, asshole!” he yelled as he threw it. He picked up a block and tossed it to Saul. “Here, imagine he’s right over there.” He pointed to a spot on the wall. “Let him have it.”

Saul hesitated, then he noticed Jesse’s encouraging look and he imagined Walt and what he had done to Jesse. “You bastard!” he forced out as he hurled the block. He picked up a ball and threw it, then got another block. He finally stopped when he realized he was winded and his voice was hoarse. He smiled at Jesse. “We definitely need one of these.”

0 0 0

“Yo, you in here?” Jesse called out as they all walked into the greenhouse.

“Back here.”

“Come on.” Jesse led Kim and Saul to the back of the building and opened the door to the annex. “Hey, dude.”

Dave looked up from the plant he was working on and smiled. “Hey.”

Kim smiled. “Dave, right?”

Jesse looked back and forth between them. “How do you guys know each other?”

“Brah, I got a life outside of here,” Dave chided.

“We almost ran over his pig,” Saul stated. “But more importantly, are you guys growing pot?”

“Not only growing it, but I use the oil from the plants here for pain management,” Jesse boasted. “It really helps.” 

“Come here,” Dave directed. When Kim and Saul followed him, he stopped at a row of small plants. “This is the hybrid J.J. and I made. We’re hoping it helps with PTSD.”

Kim beamed at Jesse. “J.J., that’s amazing.”

“Wow, kid.” Saul shook his head in amazement. “That’s really something.”

“He’s smart,” Dave said. “Got a head for science.” He pointed towards the wall where there was a large fish tank. “He suggested we set up that hydroponic tank.”

Jesse nodded, his cheeks blushing. “I saw it on the Discovery Channel. The water circles around and the plants filter the water and feed the fish and the fish poop feeds the plants.”

“Well, we better start socking away some money for a trip to Sweden for when you win a Nobel,” Saul teased gently, although his pride was visible.

Jesse sighed happily. “Well, I hate to say it, but we should bounce. We got some more stuff to see before our meeting with Dr. Bulatti.”

“Good to see you again,” Dave told Kim and Saul before pointing at Jesse. “And I’ll see you tomorrow.”

0 0 0

Kim, Saul and Jesse sat on the sofa in Tony’s office and waited while the doctor spoke with someone outside.

“Sorry about that,” Tony said as he hurried back in. “It’s so good to see you all.” He sat down across from them and looked at Jesse. “Well, what shall it be today?”

Jesse quickly glanced from side to side and then smiled. “Jesse.” He tensed when Saul frowned at him and Kim looked surprised. He straightened up and looked at Saul. “Yeah, I told him who I am.”

Saul glanced at the doctor and then returned his attention to Jesse. “Okay...”

Jesse paused as he thought. “I wanted to leave Jesse buried in that pit in the ABQ,” he explained, “but Dr. Bulatti convinced me that since I, Jesse, am the one who survived all’a that shit, that I should be the one to benefit from the recovery.”

“I don’t understand,” Kim admitted. “I mean you always have been Jesse.”

“Yes, he has,” Tony agreed. “But some trauma survivors develop other personalities to cope with their trauma.”

“Like the Three Faces of Eve,” Saul interjected.

“Yes. Jesse hadn’t done that, but I was fearful that he was attempting to by trying to bury Jesse and becoming J.J.”

Kim frowned. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“It wouldn’t have been ideal,” Tony stated. “Certainly, we could have treated it, but it would have added a lot of time to his recovery. Now we only have to help Jesse recover instead of having to reintegrate Jesse into J.J. and then working on his recovery.”

“Okay, I can see where, recovery-wise, this is a good thing,” Saul interjected, “but you can see where I might have some doubts about how this might otherwise affect him.”

Tony shrugged. “As I assured Jesse when he first told me, as long as no one comes here with a warrant for Jarrod Walker, I have no problem with keeping this completely confidential.”

“I trust him,” Jesse told Saul, “so I think you should too.”

“Jesse had suggested that he turn himself in to pay for his crimes.” Tony looked at Jesse. “I told him I think there are much better ways that he can pay for his crimes other than by being locked up.”

“Yeah, by helping people,” Jesse said quietly.

“If J.J.... Jesse trusts him, then I will too,” Kim said, giving Jesse an encouraging smile.

“You can still call me J.J. In fact, it’s probably better if you do. As far as the rest of the world’s concerned, I’m still Jarrod Walker.”

“Okay,” Saul finally agreed. “But his life is literally in your hands too now.”

Tony nodded. “And I’m willing to accept that responsibility.” He drew a deep breath. “Are we ready to move on?”

“I’d like to say how very impressed I am with J.J.’s recovery so far,” Kim stated. She looked at Jesse. “You’ve made remarkable progress in just a few weeks.”

Jesse smiled shyly. “Thanks.”

“He’s put a remarkable amount of work into his recovery,” Tony added. “He may have been resistant at the beginning, but once he got into the swing of things, he didn’t miss a single therapy session. That’s the kind of dedication we don’t often see, especially for a patient’s initial hospitalization.”

Jesse snorted. “I wanna go home.”

Tony smiled. “And by all indications, I think you will be at the end of the week.”

“You think?” Saul pressed. “You’re still not sure?”

“Let’s say I’m ninety-five percent sure,” Tony hedged. “I’ll have a much clearer picture by the end of this week.”

“Why this week?” Saul frowned. “Because of us?”

“We need to make sure that our patients have a strong support system once they leave here. And we want to make sure that the family doesn’t fall back into less-than-healthy relationships.”

Kim stiffened. “Are you saying our relationship isn’t healthy?”

“Not at all,” Tony assured. “At least not by being a threesome.” The doctor leaned forward a little. “As you’ll find in your family group sessions, sometimes it’s easy for a person to get into a caregiver role that can disincline them from seeking outside help for their loved one. After all, who knows their loved one better than them? No matter how well-intentioned, however, this type of relationship isn’t healthy for either the caregiver or the patient.”

Kim glanced at Saul, who remained silent. “But we’ve already proven that we’re open to outside help.”

“Yes, you have,” Tony agreed. “But once Jesse is home, we want to make sure that his support system doesn’t allow him to slip back into old habits.” He raised his eyebrow at Jesse. “Yes, I have seen the puppy dog eyes, so I can imagine telling him no might be difficult at times. It’s seventeen degrees outside and he wakes up and says, ‘It’s so warm here in bed. I don’t want to get up,’ and you say...” The doctor looked expectantly at Saul.

Saul looked at Jesse, who mock shivered and looked forlorn. “Come on, kid, you don’t want to miss your therapy.”

Jesse leaned close to Saul. “But it’s so cold and I wanna stay here and cuddle with you.”

Saul sighed. “Go ask Kim.”

Kim scoffed. “Don’t make me the bad guy.” She looked at Jesse. “Come on, kiddo, up and at ‘em.”

“But it’s so cold,” Jesse whined.

“It’s not that cold,” Kim countered. “I’ve already been out for my morning jog. You’ll be fine. So hop to it, time’s a wastin’.”

Jesse frowned. “Since when do you jog in the morning?”

“As soon as it’s seventeen degrees outside, I’ll be out there jogging.”

Jesse smirked at the blonde. “If you dress for seventeen degrees, you won’t be able to move let alone jog.”

Tony cleared his throat. “We’re getting off topic.”

Saul nodded. “He always does that.” He shrugged into Jesse’s questioning look. “You do. If you don’t like the way the discussion is going, you change the subject hoping we’ll forget what we were originally talking about.”

Jesse looked offended. “No I don’t.”

“You do all the time,” Saul insisted. “Either that, or you just walk away.”

Jesse frowned. “Oh, you mean like this?” He got up and walked to the window and stared outside, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Okay, time out,” Tony said. “Jesse, please come and sit down.” as Jesse complied, Tony studied the trio. “What happened, and how could it have been handled differently?”

Saul cleared his throat. “Well, for one, I resent having to be put in the position of making those kinds of decisions for him.” He shrugged and used both hands to motion at Jesse. “You’re a grown man. You shouldn’t need your mommy or daddy to tell you when it’s time to get up and go do what you’re supposed to do.”

Jesse’s mouth dropped open. “Oh that’s funny coming from the guy who always calls me kid.”

“You are a kid,” Saul shot back. “But you’re not a little kid who has to be told what to do. Besides, I don’t mean it as an insult, I mean it as an endearment.”

“Then I can call you geezer as an endearment?”

Saul spread his hands. “You call me a big fucking dork as an endearment.”

Jesse looked down to try and hide his smile. “That’s ‘cause you are one,” he said quietly.

“And you’re a kid,” Saul replied, taking Jesse’s hand in his.

Tony looked at Kim, who had an expression somewhere between exasperation and amusement on her face. “What are your feelings on this, Kim?”

Kim turned her attention to the doctor. “We have one main rule in our family: No one gets to talk about relationship stuff unless I’m there.”

Tony looked curious. “Why is that?”

Kim gave a little shrug. “Well, because, one, they’re men, no offense, and, two, they’ve both spent years in professions where it was necessary to not show emotions, so allowing two emotionally-stunted guys to discuss their feelings?” She shook her head. “It never ends well.” She drew a deep breath and continued, “For one thing, they don’t use the right language when they talk to each other. Like Gene just said something about ‘he always does that,’ which put J.J. on the defensive.”

Saul sighed. “Excuse me, I meant to say it seems to me like he always does that.”

“If you know that, why don’t you say it?” Kim pressed, irritated.

“’Cause he ain’t a chick,” Jesse muttered under his breath. “Sorry,” he said when Kim glared at him.

Kim groaned and buried her face in her hands. 

Tony studied the three people across from himself: Kim had her face in her hands, Jesse was looking down at his hands and picking at the skin on his thumbnail, and Saul had a hand over his mouth as he stared off into space. He inhaled deeply. “If I were to base my decision to allow Jesse to go home based solely on this session, I would say absolutely not.” He evenly met the three shocked stares thrown at him. “I know what happens here isn’t always indicative of what happens in the home, but given that your relationship is so new, I’m not sure he’ll have the stability he needs at this point in his recovery.”

Jesse looked down and started sobbing quietly. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Kim said as she wrapped her arms around Jesse.

Saul slung his arm around Jesse protectively and narrowed his eyes as he studied Tony. “So what, exactly, are you looking for?”

Tony smiled and motioned towards them. “This. This is what I’m looking for, to know that Jesse can count on your support when he needs it.”

0 0 0

Marsha Peabody looked around at the varied emotions on the faces of the people in her group. “So, how did day one of Family Week go?” She looked around expectantly. “Anyone?”

Terry sighed heavily. “I felt like my folks were checking my plate at lunch to make sure I was eating. I really hate when they do that.”

Marsha nodded. “Did you bring that up in your afternoon family therapy session?”

Terry sighed again. “No.”

“If it’s something that bothers you, you should approach it in a neutral setting like therapy,” Marsha reminded. 

“I know, but then my mom gets that sad look on her face and I feel like a loser.”

“Your afternoon sessions are where you’re supposed to work on your interfamilial communication skills.”

Terry shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure I’m not going home this week anyway. I broke my contract with Dr. Alex four times.”

Jesse frowned. “Did you break your contract ‘cause you don’t wanna go home?”

Terry shook her head. “No.”

“No offense,” Jesse offered. “It’s just you talked about how sometimes maybe you and your mom don’t get along and then you said you broke your contract four times.” He shrugged. “Just seems to me like a lotta times to break your contract.”

“Terry?” Marsha leaned slightly forward. “Will you try to approach the behaviors of you parents that bother you in your family session tomorrow afternoon?”

Terry looked anxious. “I don’t know...”

“Would it be okay if I suggested to Dr. Alex that he might want to bring up the discussion of what bothers both you and your parents about each other? That way it doesn’t look like you are instigating the discussion.”

Terry thought a minute and then gave a small smile. “Okay.”

Marsha nodded at Terry. “Good.” She shifted her gaze to Jesse. “How did your session go, J.J.?”

Jesse shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t even know.”

“What was something good that happened?”

Jesse smiled softly. “Something Dr. Bulatti said upset me and they both hugged me and reassured me that it was okay.”

“That is a good thing,” Marsha agreed. “Did something bad happen?”

Jesse blew out a big breath. “Gene and Kim ain’t family family, they’re my boyfriend and girlfriend, so it ain’t like dealing with my mom and dad.”

“We have other patients who have spouses or significant others who come to Family Week.”

“Yeah, but Gene and Kim are old enough to be my folks. Well, probably not Kim, but Gene is definitely old enough to be my dad.”

Marsha studied Jesse. “Was this a concern during the session?”

“No. I mean, Dr. Bulatti seems cool with us.” Jesse shrugged. “I dunno.”

“You think that maybe you’re the one it bothers?” Malcolm asked.

“Yeah, some, I guess.” Jesse admitted. “I mean I sometimes wonder what they see in me. Especially Kim.”

“It sounds like you’re having self-esteem issues,” Marsha stated.

Jesse pondered the statement. “Yeah, maybe.” He rubbed his face and groaned. “I guess I should bring it up in family group tomorrow.”

Marsha smiled. “I think that’s a good idea.”

0 0 0

Kim woke up and looked around the hotel room when she noticed Saul wasn’t in bed. She got up and did a quick search of the room, then put on her shoes and coat and opened the door, groaning when she saw he was sitting down by the pool. Making sure the door was unlocked, she steeled herself and stepped outside into the cold night air and quickly made her way to where he was. “How long have you been out here?” she asked as she sat down next to him. 

Saul looked down on the ground. “Three cigarettes.” He glanced at Kim when the blonde removed his current cigarette from between his fingers to take a drag.

Kim exhaled a plume of smoke. “Worried about anything in particular?”

“Not really.”

Kim took another drag. “You come out here at one o’clock in the morning, freezing off your man parts and chain smoking and you’re not really worrying about anything?”

Saul sighed. “What if I can’t do it?”

Kim smiled softly as she handed back the cigarette. “You can do it.”

Saul shrugged as he took the last drag from the cigarette before dropping it to the ground with the others. “I hope you’re right.” He stood and stretched. “Come on, let’s go back inside before you turn into a Kimcicle.”

Kim got to her feet and shivered. “Guess you’re going to have to figure out a way to warm me up.”

Saul slipped his arm around Kim as they walked back to their room.

0 0 0

Jesse wandered out of his room in his sleep pants, wearing a beanie and his coat. When he got to the nurses’ station, he held up a pack of cigarettes. “Yo, I’m going out back for a smoke.”

“You don’t want to go to the solarium?” an unfamiliar nurse asked.

Jesse shook his head. “Need some air.” He continued outside, bracing himself when he was hit with a blast of cold air as soon as he walked through the door. He ambled over to a bench and sat down, looking up at the night sky and all the little pinpoints of stars as he fished his lighter out of his pocket. Pulling out a cigarette, he put it in his mouth and lit it, then settled back, letting his tears flow unchecked as he smoked in the cold, dark silence.

0 0 0

Jesse got to his feet and smiled when Kim and Saul walked into Tony’s outer office. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself,” Kim said before giving Jesse a big hug.

“Good afternoon, young Master Pinkman,” Saul said in mock seriousness before grabbing Jesse into a tight embrace.

Jesse huffed out a laugh against the bigger man’s chest, relaxing slightly. “This is the longest week ever,” he grumbled.

Saul pushed Jesse back far enough to look him in the eyes. “Anything worth having is worth waiting for.”

Jesse sighed heavily. “What’s next? A stitch and time and dimes or whatever the fuck that saying is?”

Saul snorted and pulled Jesse close again. “God, I have missed you, kid.”

Jesse snaked his arms around Saul and held on tight, savoring the closeness of the larger man.

The nearby door opened and Tony stuck his head out. “Oh, I’m sorry. Judy must be at lunch. Come on in.” He stood aside and let the three into his office, closing the door after them. “How is everyone this afternoon?” he asked as he sat down across from them. He raised his eyebrows when no one answered. “Jesse?”

Jesse shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I just want this week to be over.”

“Are we treating you that badly?”

Jesse grinned slightly. “Nah. I just wanna go home.”

Tony looked at Saul. “Gene?”

Saul smiled slyly. “I want this week to be over too.”

When Jesse and Kim both snorted, Tony asked, “Not a big fan of therapy?”

Saul shrugged. “I’m from the Mid-west. We’re not comfortable talking about personal stuff.”

Kim nodded. “That’s the way I was raised too: You just do what you need to do and deal with the crap as it happens.”

Jesse swallowed and looked down at his hands. “You both must think I’m a real loser, then.”

Kim quickly turned to Jesse. “No, sweetie, not at all.”

Saul put his hand on Jesse’s leg. “Look, kid, just because that’s how we were raised doesn’t make it right.”

“I think this might be a good place to discuss your concerns, Jesse.”

Jesse sighed. “Marsha has a big mouth.”

“Marsha did what she was supposed to do,” Tony corrected. 

Kim searched Jesse’s face. “What concerns?”

Jesse gave a little shrug as he stared at his hands. “I just...” He glanced from Kim to Saul. “Why do you guys put up with me?”

Saul gently cupped Jesse’s face in his hand. “Why do you put up with me?”

Jesse smiled softly. “’Cause you’re awesome.”

Saul snorted. “I may be a lot of things, kid, but I don’t think awesome is one of them.”

“I think you are.”

Saul shook his head in disbelief. “How can you say that after all of the shitty things I did to you?”

Jesse shrugged. “Yo, I did shitty things to you too. Fuck, I broke your nose, dude!”

Saul paused. “Yeah, that was a pretty shitty thing to do.” He took a deep breath. “But that still doesn’t make up for me being such an asshole. What?” he demanded when Jesse snorted.

Jesse shook his head. “Dude, you might’ve acted like an asshole, but you weren’t one. Believe me, I was surrounded by total assholes every day.”

Saul frowned. “How is acting like an asshole differ from being one?”

Jesse held out his hands. “It’s like that dude on Dexter,” he stated. “He plays a serial killer on TV but he ain’t a real serial killer. You played an asshole, but you ain’t a real asshole. Look,” Jesse continued when he saw Saul about to speak, “the reason I know you ain’t an asshole? If you were, when I came on to you, you would’ve just shoved me over your desk, fucked me like a whore, slapped me on the ass and sent me on my way, but you didn’t. Also, you brought me a gun when you thought Mr. White was gonna kill me.” Jesse stared into Saul’s eyes. “Dude, you were the only one who gave any kind’a shit about me during that whole fucked up mess.”

Saul reached out and pulled Jesse into a tight hug, resting his chin on the younger man’s head while he looked at Kim with pleading eyes. When she just looked back at him challengingly, he cleared his throat. “You made me want to be better.” He gave a little shrug when Jesse pulled back to look at him. “You were always trying to be this tough guy, but you had this way of looking at me that made me feel like I was more than just some clown with a law degree.”

“You are,” Kim interjected. “That’s why I got so pissed when you went down that road.” She smiled and shook her head. “I just now got it. No wonder I love you both: you’re the same guy in two bodies.”

Jesse looked at Kim. “Y’know, I used to wonder why Gene wanted me when he already had you. I mean...” he motioned between himself and Kim, “look at us: You’re like a first edition of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, with a leather cover and gold-edged pages, signed by Tolkien, and I’m like a crumpled up D.A.R.E. pamphlet you get in the fifth grade.”

Kim stared, speechless, at Jesse for a moment before smiling. “Wow, have I got you snowed.” When Jesse frowned, she took his hand in hers. “Sweetie, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. And you are not a crumpled up D.A.R.E. pamphlet. You are a sweet, sensitive, smart, loving young man.”

Jesse inhaled deeply. “Guess I got you snowed too, huh?”

“Jesse, has this helped alleviate some of you concerns?” Tony asked. When Jesse nodded, Tony added, “So maybe no late night smoking binge under the stars tonight?”

Jesse and Tony turned their attention to Kim when she stifled a laugh, while Saul deliberately looked in the other direction.

“Yep, two peas in a pod,” Kim said smugly.

0 0 0

As Kim, Jesse and Saul settled in Tony’s office, Kim said, “I’d like to start with something we touched on the other day.”

“And what is that?” Tony asked.

“The other day we talked about standing tough if J.J. tries to get out of doing something he’s supposed to do. I’d like to have more parameters for something like that.”

“I believe we were talking about him avoiding coming to therapy in that instance, am I remembering correctly?” When Kim nodded, Tony said, “Obviously there are going to be legitimate times when J.J. can’t come in. If he’s sick, if we’re having very bad weather, and so forth.”

“I understand that,” Kim interjected. “And I also understand that there may be times when he feels like avoiding therapy because he’s reluctant to deal with whatever it is he’s supposed to deal with that day. My concern, like Gene said that day, is what is J.J.’s responsibility in this?”

Jesse frowned. “Yo, I’m right here. Why don’t you ask me?”

Kim looked at Jesse. “I’m asking Dr. Bulatti because he was the one who brought it up earlier.”

“That’s a good question, Kim. It’s something we were going to address later, but let’s cover it now since you brought it up. What are J.J.’s responsibilities going to be at home?”

“Uh...” Kim looked at Jesse, who was watching her with an amused look on his face. She sighed. “I don’t know.”

Tony turned his attention to Jesse. “What responsibilities do you have here, J.J.?”

“I gotta shower, dress, eat breakfast, take my meds and make my bed every day by eight-thirty, and I gotta keep my room cleaned up. I gotta do my own laundry, and everybody has to keep the Day Rooms clean. And I gotta make it to all’a my sessions and meals and stuff on time.”

“Routines and responsibilities are of utmost importance in recovery,” Tony explained. “That’s not to say that taking me time isn’t important also, but if the me time starts to interfere with other aspects of your life, then it’s time for us to address the underlying problem. Especially with someone who is as introspective as J.J. Too much time spent alone in his head is not always a good thing, right?”

Jesse smiled sheepishly. “I tend to overthink things to death.”

Saul asked, “So, what? We should come up with a chore chart or something?”

Tony spread his hands. “A lot of families have them. It helps cut down on resentment so no one feels like they’re always getting stuck with the less fun jobs.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Kim tossed in. “But what are the consequences if someone doesn’t do what they’re supposed to do?”

“She means me,” Jesse said.

“Well, I did originally,” Kim admitted, “but I think it’s a legitimate question for all of us. What happens if we don’t do what we’re supposed to do?”

Tony smiled. “That’s something that you, as a family, have to decide for yourselves. What are your consequences here, J.J.?”

“Uh, not sure, ‘cause I ain’t been late to nothing. Oh! I had to have supervision when I smoked after I burnt myself that time.”

“So you’ve really been burning yourself with cigarettes?” Saul pressed.

Jesse frowned at the older man. “Not lately.”

Saul studied the younger man. “Why would you do that?”

Jesse looked to Tony for help.

“It’s a fair question,” Tony said. “Your partner is trying to understand your motivations so that he can help you not self-harm in the future.”

“But I’m not gonna self-harm,” Jesse said quietly. “Why do I gotta talk about it?”

“You’re going to need to discuss it with Kim and Gene sooner or later,” Tony replied. “So why not now, while you’re in this safe place?”

Kim took Jesse’s hand. “We’re not going to judge you. We just want to understand.”

Jesse swallowed. “When I was a kid, my dad would punish me for fucking up. At first it was, like, spankings and then he started hitting me on places other than my butt.” He rubbed his forehead. “Then this one time, I don’t even remember what I did, but he got super pissed off. It was hot and I was barefoot and he was sitting in his chair smoking and he grabbed me up on his lap and grabbed my leg and put the end of his cigarette against my ankle. I screamed and he dropped me onto the floor and yelled at me to look at what I made him do and to get out of his sight.” He drew a deep breath and wiped at his tears with his free hand. “That wasn’t the only time he did it. And after I got on my own, that’s what I did when I really fucked up, ‘cause I deserved it.”

Saul slid his arm around Jesse. “Jesus, kid, you could never fuck up bad enough to deserve that. But if you ever feel like you did, come and tell me, okay, and we’ll figure something out. Promise me, okay?”

Jesse slumped against Saul. “I promise.” He lifted Kim’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “And I promise you too.”

0 0 0

Kim leaned against the side of the building and took a long drag from her cigarette.

“Here, I’ll trade you,” Saul said, holding out a tiny bottle of vodka from their hotel mini-bar.

Kim frowned as she took the bottle and looked at it as he took the cigarette and smoked it. She took a swig and swallowed, grimacing at the taste. “I think the person in the room before us swapped out the vodka for polish remover.” She finished the bottle and asked, “Got anything else?”

Saul raised an eyebrow. “You really want to go to the Institute tomorrow with a hangover?”

Kim sighed as she took the cigarette back. “No, but I’d still like to get drunk tonight.”

Saul chuckled softly. “Unfortunately, I don’t think it works like that.”

Kim blew out a long plume of smoke. “Well, that sucks.” She glanced at Saul. “How can somebody do that to their kid? I mean, did you folks ever beat you, or anything like that?”

“No, but maybe they should’ve. Not like that,” Saul quickly amended. “But maybe if they’d been a little stricter...” He shrugged.

Kim slumped against the building and took a final drag from her cigarette before flicking it off into the darkness. “How am I supposed to support him when I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around the shit that he’s been through? Christ, I thought the whole Walt thing was bad enough, but now to know that his own dad tortured him? Fuck!”

“But you don’t have to understand to support him,” Saul said. “All we need to understand is how to help him when he needs us. And that’s what this week’s all about, right?”

Kim pondered the idea and nodded. “But I don’t think a week is going to be enough for me.”

Saul put his hand of Kim’s shoulder. “Then I’m sure Bulatti will only be too happy to sell you all sorts of follow-up sessions.”

“Now, don’t be like that,” Kim chided as she straightened up, linked her arm with Saul’s and started for their room. “You know this has been worth every penny that we’ve put into it.”

“That it has,” Saul agreed. “But you can be the one who tells the kid that we paid seventy-five gees a week for his little vacation when he asks where his money went.”

“Ah, it’s barely half a mil,” Kim said. “That’s chump change for him.” She stopped and looked at Saul. “Shit, what proof was that vodka?”

Saul chuckled as he led Kim to their room.

0 0 0

Jesse hurried to the nurses’ station gasping for breath.

Justina put down her chart and hurried around the counter to where he stood shaking. “J.J., what’s wrong?”

“Can’t... self-soothe.”

“Okay, breathe with me.” Justina drew in a long breath and then exhaled slowly. She looked Jesse in the eye and continued breathing slowly until the younger man wasn’t gasping for air anymore. She wrapped her fingers around his wrist. “Come and sit down,” she instructed, leading him to a nearby chair when she felt how fast his pulse was racing. “Can you tell me what you’re anxious about?”

Jesse buried his face in his hands and started crying. “They’re gonna find out how really fucked up I am and they’re gonna hate me.”

“Who’s going to find out?”

“Kim and Gene. They know about the burns and they’re gonna leave me.”

“Did they say that?”

Jesse shook his head. “But I know they’re gonna leave. Everybody always leaves.” He grabbed his hair with both hands and started pulling. “I’m stupid and horrible and I wish I would die!”

Justina motioned to one of the other nurses, who went to the drug cabinet. When the other nurse brought over a filled syringe, Justina took it. “J.J., I’m going to give you something to help you calm down.”

Jesse startled and looked up at the nurse. “No! Dr. Bulatti won’t lemme go home if you have to give me that. I’m okay,” he said, slipping off the side of the chair. “I’ll go back to bed.”

“J.J., stop,” Justina ordered. “If you sit down in this chair and calm down, I won’t give you the shot, okay? But you need to sit here until I think you’re ready to go back to bed, okay?”

Jesse nodded as he slid back onto the chair. He drew a deep breath as he clasped his hands in his lap and tried to shove the disturbing thoughts from his mind.

0 0 0

When Saul and Kim got to Tony’s office, the door was open and they could hear Jesse’s voice. Kim poked her head in. 

“Can we come in?”

Tony stood and smiled. “Of course. J.J. just got here himself.”

Kim smiled as she and Saul entered, but her smile faltered when she picked up on Jesse’s demeanor. “Is everything okay?” she asked him as she sat next to him.

“Hey, hey, what’s this?” Saul asked, sitting next to Jesse when the young man broke out into tears.

Jesse looked down at his hands in his lap. “I dunno. Everything just feels all mixed up inside.”

“Can you pick out one thing in particular that is troubling you?” Tony asked.

Jesse sniffed and took a deep breath. “I just keep thinking about what’s gonna happen if...” he glanced from Kim to Saul, “you guys don’t want me no more.” He buried his face in his hands. “Everybody always leaves me!” he sobbed.

Saul put his arms around Jesse. “I wish I knew what to say to make you believe me when I say I want to be with you.”

Jesse swallowed. “How can anybody want me when even my own parents didn’t?” he mumbled against Saul’s chest.

Saul cupped the back of Jesse’s head. “You can’t go by that. That was their problem, not yours. Shit, what kind of a lunatic burns his own kid, huh?” When Jesse raised his head and started to speak, Saul added, “And don’t even try to tell me you deserved it, because nobody deserves that. What you deserved was good parents who nurtured you instead of making you feel like some kind of inferior product.”

Jesse pulled back far enough to offer a tiny smile to Saul, then he pulled the older man down for a tender kiss. “Thank you.”

“Hey, it’s the truth, kid.”

Kim wiped her eyes as she looked at Tony. “Okay, we need to do something about this. We’re all second guessing ourselves.”

“How so?” Tony pressed. 

“Gene and I are worried that we don’t have what it takes to help J.J., and it sounds like he is having serious doubts about us too.”

“I’m not doubting you guys,” Jesse corrected. “I’m doubting me.”

Kim looked at the younger man. “It sounded to me like you’re doubting our ability to love you as you are.”

Tony leaned forward in his chair. “J.J., is there something Kim and Gene can do to alleviate your concerns?”

“I dunno. It’s just like this thing we have has always seemed temporary. When we first got together, we just took turns meeting up at one of our houses, then we split up, and now that we’re back together, it still feels temporary.”

Kim smiled at Saul. “Shall we tell him?”

Saul nodded. “Sure.”

Kim took one of Jesse’s hands in hers. “It was going to be a surprise for when you got out of here, but we bought a house.”

Jesse frowned. “In Omaha?”

“No, here in Vermont,” Saul stated. “It’s about five miles from here.”

“We got some furniture put in, but we haven’t stayed there yet,” Kim added. “We’ve been staying in the hotel because we wanted all three of us to move in together.”

Jesse looked hopefully from Saul to Kim. “We got a house?”

Kim nodded. “I think you’re really going to like it.”

“Although,” Saul interjected. “It’s not just a house. Technically it’s a farm because it’s on about fifty acres.”

Jesse looked curious. “Is that big?”

“Bigger than the land the cabin was on.”

“Awesome!” Jesse looked at Tony. “Did you hear that? They got a house for all of us to live in!”

Tony nodded. “That doesn’t sound like a temporary thing to me.”

Jesse sat back with his mouth open, then he beamed as he threw his arms around Kim and Saul’s necks and pulled them close. “We got a house!” He released them and demanded, “Tell me all about it!”

“Nope,” Kim replied. “You’re going to have to wait and see it tomorrow when we all move in.”

Jesse looked hopefully at Saul, then sighed when the older man ran his fingers along his lips like he was zipping them closed, then pretended to lock it and throw away the key. Jesse slumped back in his seat. “Fine. I can wait.”

Tony smiled, then sobered as he focused his attention on Kim. “Now, shall we address your concerns about not being able to help J.J.?”

Kim blew out her breath. “I just feel so out of my depths here. It’s not like bandaging a skinned knee. This is J.J.’s mind: what if I do something to make it worse?”

“If you can remain patient, you won’t make it worse,” Tony assured. “But,” he added when Kim started to reply, “all day tomorrow is going to be devoted to learning techniques for helping J.J. focus on his own self-soothing when he is triggered, how to keep situations from escalating, and how to deescalate tense situations.”

Kim frowned. “You make it sound so easy.”

Tony turned his attention to Jesse. “How long does it generally take to calm yourself when you’re triggered?”

Jesse pondered the question. “Last night was the worst it’s been in a while. I tried for...” he shrugged, “I dunno, maybe a half hour before I went to the nurses. Justina tried to help me, but she couldn’t. But when she said she was gonna give me a shot, I was able to calm myself in about twenty minutes, I guess.”

“What triggered you?” Saul asked.

Jesse bit his lower lip. “Thinking about my dad burning me and then I started thinking that you guys couldn’t love somebody as fucked up as me.”

Kim gave Tony a curious look. “Is that the introspection you mentioned yesterday?”

“That’s what it is.” Tony looked at Jesse. “What should you have done when you first started having those thoughts?”

Jesse sighed. “Distract myself.”

“Or?” Tony prompted.

“Identify them as negative thoughts and think of positive thoughts instead.” 

“If you knew what to do, why didn’t you do it?” Kim wondered aloud.

When Jesse hesitated, Tony said, “Because he’s a human being and we humans don’t always do the right thing.”

Kim looked at Jesse and cupped his cheek. “Sorry.”

Jesse smiled softly. “It’s okay. It was a reasonable question. I just don’t have a reasonable answer.”

Saul turned his attention to Tony when the doctor called his name. “Yeah?”

“Do you have any concerns we can address?”

Saul took a deep breath. “I have a brother. He’s older than me. He suffers from electro-magnetic sensitivity. He can’t be around electricity or anything with a battery in it or he has excruciating pain.” He cleared his throat. “Except it’s only in his head.”

“Has he been to a doctor?”

Saul snorted. “Doctors, plural. Every specialist within a hundred-mile radius.” He paused and bit his lip. “Except they were all medical doctors.”

“No one has recommended...?”

“Oh, lots of them recommended he seek psychiatric help. But how do you convince someone who feels the pain in their body that it’s only in their mind?”

“May I ask why you’re sharing this?” 

Saul cleared his throat. “I was his caregiver for a couple of years and I never did anything about getting him the help he needed.”

“He wouldn’t have gone,” Kim stated.

“I should have made him. I just couldn’t admit that my big brother, the smartest and strongest man that I ever knew, was crazy.”

Tony studied Saul fora moment. “But you recognize now that he might have benefited from psychiatric care?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Then why do you doubt your ability to give J.J. the support he needs?”

Saul held out his hands. “Because I screwed up with my own brother.”

“And you learned from your mistakes. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here right now.”

Jesse shook his head. “You can’t get ahead if you keep tripping yourself up.” He glanced around at everyone. “Dave told me that once.”

Tony smiled. “He doesn’t say much, but what he does say can oftentimes be quite profound.”

Jesse pulled up his right sleeve to reveal his tattoo. “He said this means I’m brave.”

“You are brave,” Saul insisted.

“After the thing with Alice, Dave said a bunch of Hawaiian stuff to me, said it meant ‘May blessings ever be with you, brother’.” He sighed. “It really made me feel good about myself.”

“What thing with Alice?” Kim asked.

Jesse shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

“It was not nothing,” Tony countered. “When the group went go-karting week before last, they were on their way back to the bus when one of the girls bent down to get a rock out of her shoe. J.J. saw a car start to back up into her and he got her out of the way.”

Kim beamed. “You’re a hero!”

Saul ruffled Jesse’s hair. “See, I knew you were brave.”

“Stop,” Jesse grumbled as he pushed Saul’s hand away, trying to hide his smile.

“One thing I’d like to discuss before our time is up is contracts.” Tony ignored Jesse’s groan and continued, “J.J. and I have several, and it’s something you might want to consider. For instance, J.J. signed a contract with me saying that he will not commit suicide through December 31, 2011. I signed one to him saying I would not fire him as my patient, also through December 2011. Obviously, if we need to extend them, we can.”

“We already have an oral contract,” Saul said, looking at Jesse. “I made him promise me he wouldn’t kill himself and he didn’t, even when he was really tempted to.”

Jesse nodded. “That was one’a the main reasons I didn’t do it.”

Saul took Jesse’s hand in his. “He never breaks a promise.”

“Okay, any other questions or concerns?” When they all responded in the negative, Tony said, “I’m not going to sugar coat this. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but I’m confident you’re all strong enough to deal with it. Just love each other and have lots of patience and you’ll do fine. But it’s also not like we’re kicking you out of the nest, because J.J. will be continuing his recovery with us and we have a twenty-four-hour crisis line that you can call if you need help.”

Everyone stood and said their good-byes before Saul, Kim and Jesse walked to the door.

“J.J.?”

Jesse turned and looked at the doctor. “Yeah?”

“Remember to stop in the lobby and not just follow them out to their car, okay?”

“Damn.” Jesse snapped his fingers. “Okay.”

When they got downstairs, they all hugged.

“I can’t wait until tomorrow,” Jesse groaned. “Not only am I getting outta here but I get to see our new house. Come on, tell me just a little bit about it.”

“It has walls and a roof...” Saul teased, grunting when Jesse gently elbowed him in the stomach. 

“Dick.” Jesse turned pleading eyes on Kim. “Come on, just one teensy thing?”

“It’s nice,” Kim replied. “The first thing we said when we saw it was that you were going to love it. And that’s why we bought it.”

Jesse grabbed them both into a group hug. “You guys are awesome!” He released them and sighed happily. “Well, I better go. It’s time for my P.T.”

“It looks like it’s helping,” Saul said. “You hardly ever shuffle your feet anymore.”

“Yeah, usually just if I’m really tired now.”

Kim gave Jesse a big hug and kissed him. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Jesse turned to Saul and huffed out his breath when the big man pulled him into a tight embrace. He smiled up at the taller man when Saul loosened his grip, then he stood on his toes to kiss Saul. “Don’t be late.”

Saul raised his right hand. “I’m just as anxious to get you home as you are to get home.”

Jesse watched them leave, then turned and hurried off to the physical therapy room.

0 0 0

After Kim got into the car, Saul closed her door and went around to the driver’s side and got in. He just sat for a moment, then blew out his breath and looked at Kim. “Where to?”

Kim smiled. “Well, Jimmy, me lad, it’s Thursday and you know what that means...”

“Karaoke!” they cried in unison.

Saul leaned across the seat to give Kim a long kiss. “I love you.”

Kim snorted. “No, you love that I’m letting you take me to that Irish pub that you’ve adopted as your second home.”

“Well, yeah,” Saul said as he turned the ignition. “But you’re pretty cool too.”

Kim reached across the console and took Saul’s hand in hers as they drove away from the Institute.

0 0 0

Tony smiled as he looked at Jesse. “Well, this is it.”

Jesse nodded. “I’m really trying not to freak out.”

“Change is hard, but you’re strong. You can do this.”

Jesse drew in a long breath and then slowly released it. “Yeah, I am and I can.”

“Here you go,” Shirley said as she handed Tony a large plastic bag. 

“Thanks.” Tony held the bag up. “These are his meds. They’re in individual doses marked A.M. and P.M. At some point you may want to buy one of those small weekly pill dispensers at the drug store to use instead. There are twenty rolled cannabis cigarettes.” He looked at Jesse. “If you think you need more, let us know next week.”

“No, it should be fine. I’m down to two doses of oil a day.”

“Good. Your medical marijuana card is in there too. You might want to stick that in your wallet.” Tony extended his right hand. “J.J., I hope you have a nice weekend, and we’ll see you Monday morning.”

“Thanks, Dr. Bulatti.” Jesse shook the older man’s hand. “I will have a nice weekend.” He watched Tony say good-bye to Kim and Saul, then he started motioning towards the parking lot with his chin.

“Well, we better get going before J.J. explodes from excitement,” Kim teased.

Tony watched the three leave, then turned and went back to his office.

0 0 0

“Okay, if you really don’t want to see it, you should cover your eyes now,” Saul said as they drove down the highway.

Jesse buried his face in his hands. “Tell me when we’re there.”

Kim reached across the seat and took Saul’s hand in hers, her anticipation building as they neared their new house.

Saul winced as Kim’s grip tightened. “Hey, I might want to use that hand later.”

“Sorry.” Kim let go of Saul’s hand and put her hands on the dashboard as she leaned as far forward as her seatbelt would allow. “We’re almost there!”

Saul turned into the driveway and pulled up to the front of the house before putting the car in park and cutting the engine. “Okay, here we are.” He turned in his seat to see Jesse’s reaction.

Jesse lowered his hands and looked outside, his eyes widening and his mouth dropping open when he got a look at the property. “Holy shit,” he whispered before opening his door and scrambling out of the car. “No fucking way!” He grinned at Saul when the other man got out of the car while Kim was also exiting the vehicle. “Dude, we got our own lake!”

“That’s just the beginning,” Saul assured.

“I can’t wait for you to see everything,” Kim added excitedly.

Jesse looked around, nodding in appreciation. “Awesome.” He rested his gaze on Saul. “Show me the bedroom first.”

“You sure?” Saul shot back. “There’s a really nice attic.”

“Unless I can fuck you in the attic, I wanna see the bedroom.”

Saul reached out and pulled Jesse to him in a big hug. “Kid, you can fuck me anywhere you want.”

Kim took Jesse and Saul’s hands in hers and started pulling them towards the house. “No, we definitely need to use the bedroom. We got a king-size bed with a pillow top mattress,” she told Jesse. “It’s going to be incredible.” 

0 0 0

Jesse clenched his teeth as he slid down Saul’s cock until his ass was against the larger man’s groin. “Ohyeah!” he breathed. He slid his hands up Saul’s belly and chest until he was low enough to give the other man hungry kisses. He slid his ass up and down Saul’s hardness a couple times before he sat up and looked at Kim. “Okay, c’mere baby.” He helped Kim straddle Saul and then he held his own erection in place while she backed up onto him. “AhfuckinA,” he moaned when he was balls deep into the blonde’s wetness. He put his hands on Kim’s shoulders and gently pushed her forward. “Let ‘im get a taste’a your sweet boobs baby.” He closed his eyes and started rocking back and forth, first into Kim and then back onto Saul. He closed his eyes and savored the incredible feeling of fucking and being fucked.

0 0 0

Jesse’s mouth dropped open. “No way!”

“Isn’t it great?” Kim asked.

Saul smiled. “Our own cabin in the woods.”

“Dude, we got two houses!” Jesse left the others to run up to the small log cabin at the far end of their property, nestled deep in thick maple trees. He rushed up the four steps and grabbed the doorknob, opening the door. “This is...shit!” He jumped back out of the way when there was a flurry of motion inside the house. He pressed himself flat against the wall when he heard rustling, then he broke into a big grin when several raccoons came rushing out of the cabin and into the woods. “Right on.”

“Looks like we got us some squatters,” Kim joked as she and Saul finally got to the cabin.

“At least it’s not bears,” Saul added.

Jesse glanced around. “There’s bears around here?”

“Just black bears,” Saul explained, “and they don’t like coming around people.”

Jesse gave one more quick glance around then went in the door of the cabin and came right back out, gagging. “Those raccoons ain’t house-broken.”

Kim giggled. “Let’s just let them have it for the winter. We can come back in the spring and clean it up.”

Saul nodded. “Well, it’s not like we don’t have a lot of other stuff that we can fix up first.”

Jesse closed the cabin door and walked down the steps. “Even if it does smell like piss and shit, it’s still cool.”

Saul chuckled. “Now that’s what we should put on the rental brochure.”

Kim nodded. “Don’t forget to mention the live raccoons.”

Jesse looked around. “This is gonna be awesome in the summer though. We can put in a fire pit over there.”

Kim wrinkled her nose. “I can live with no electricity, but I’m not staying here until we get indoor plumbing.”

Jesse frowned. “What d’you mean?”

Saul pointed to a tiny building behind the cabin. “Do you know what that is?”

Jesse narrowed his eyes. “No way. Is that really a shitter? Like the blue ones?”

Saul shrugged. “Well, they call it an outhouse, but, yeah, it’s your outdoor toilet.”

Jesse groaned and dropped his head back. “No fucking way. I fell into one’a those fucking things once.” He glared at Kim and Saul when they both started laughing. “It ain’t funny.”

Saul sobered a little. “How in the hell did you manage to fall into a kybo?” 

Jesse sighed. “The R.V. was locked up in Badger’s cousin’s scrap yard and I needed to get in it. There’s this chain-link fence with barb wire along the top and there was one’a those blue plastic toilets on the other side. So I climbed the fence and got onto the toilet roof and then I fell through.” He swallowed thickly. “Man, that was so nasty. I finally got the door open and I was covered in piss and shit and some blue chemical shit. It was horrible. I was gagging and dripping all’a this shit on the ground. When I finally got in the R.V., I had to put on my gas mask so I could sleep.”

“Aw sweetie, I’m sorry.” Kim brushed her fingers through his hair. “Why didn’t you just go home?”

“’Cause my stupid douche parents kicked me out.” Jesse looked at Saul. “That’s why I had you buy the house for me. They kicked me out, even though Aunt Jenny said I could live there, and then they put it up for sale.”

“Why’d they kick you out?” Kim pressed as they all started walking back to the main house.

“’Cause asshole Mr. White promised Tuco we’d give him four pounds a week and we didn’t have no place to cook it so we put the lab in my basement, which I told Mr. White at the very beginning that we weren’t gonna do, but I wasn’t gonna tell Tuco we didn’t have his shit, so then, of course, my mom had to come snooping, and I didn’t even know they had a key, and saw the lab so her and dad had their total douchebag lawyer call me in and said I had three days to get out or he was going to the cops.”

“Yeah, that guy was a real charmer,” Saul said, grimacing.

“Sure as shit, three days later mom shows up with movers and starts taking everything outta the house. The Feds had my car and sixty grand in cash, so all I had left was my bike and a crate full’a what shit I could grab. I got one friend who said I could stay with him, but then his old lady came home and all of a sudden their in-laws were coming to stay so I had to leave. I go to use the payphone at the Seven-Eleven and nobody would let me stay with them. I finally give up and then I find out some fucking asshole stole my bike and my stuff. So that’s how I ended up falling into the toilet at Clovis’ place.”

Saul threw his arm around Jesse’s shoulders. “Damn, that was a suck all day, wasn’t it?” He sighed. “If I’d have known what sleaze balls your folks we’re, I would’ve only offered them a hundred gees for the house. Maybe only fifty.”

Jesse smiled up at Saul. “Thanks.”

Kim looked at Jesse. “How long did you live there?”

“I moved in with Aunt Jenny right before my sixteenth birthday, so ten years?” Jesse smiled fondly. “She was awesome.” His smile faded. “I still miss her.” He drew a deep breath and blew it out. “Any places around here got good cheeseburgers?”

Kim smiled. “As a matter of fact, there are a couple of places that have great cheeseburgers.”

“Right on. The Institute food is good, but they never got the hang of cheeseburgers or pizza.”

“Their kitchen’s probably all wrong for it,” Saul tossed off. “Gotta have the right flat top for a good burger and you need a brick oven for pizza.” He looked expectantly at Jesse. “So cheeseburgers for lunch then?”

Jesse grinned. “Abso-fuckin-lutely.”

0 0 0

Kim walked into the living room to find Jesse sitting on the sofa, resting his chin in his hand and staring off into space. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said quietly as she sat next to him.

Jesse smiled as he looked at the blonde. “Save your money. They ain’t worth a penny.” He took a deep breath and straightened up. “I was just thinking about how totally fucking awesome this place is. You guys did a great job finding it.”

Kim cocked her head a little to the side. “Is there a but in there somewhere?”

“No.” Jesse scrunched up his face. “I mean, at first I was thinking about how fucking huge this place is and what are we gonna do with such a huge fucking place, and then I just kind’a told myself to chill, that we don’t gotta do everything at once, and that maybe it would be cool to just kind’a let each space tell us what it wants to be.”

Kim broke into a big smile. “I like that idea!”

Jesse raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kim leaned close. “I was kind of worried about what to do with all of the space too.” She sat back a little. “I mean, my overall vision is to make it really homey and comfortable, you know. Like squishy furniture and lots of blankets and pillows.”

Jesse nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Totally.” His mouth dropped open. “We could get one’a those sofas that has the two long seats on both ends?”

“Chaises?”

“Yeah! But then get the big square ottomans that go in the middle, so you can make like one giant sofa-bed thing that we could watch movies on.”

Kim nodded enthusiastically. “That would be too cool.” She gasped. “We could get a popcorn machine.”

“No way!”

Kim nodded. “Totally way.”

“Totally way what?” Saul asked as he wandered in.

“We’re planning out the living room,” Kim said, and quickly detailed what they had already considered.

Saul took a drink of his beer. “Do we want to do that here? Or do we want to maybe pick a room to be the media room?”

Kim and Jesse exchanged excited glances.

“It has to be big enough for a big screen T.V.,” Jesse stated. “And I mean like an eighty-incher.”

Saul mock adjusted himself. “Careful, kid, you’re giving me a partial.”

Kim snickered and gently slapped Saul on the arm. “How about a small snack bar?”

“Ooh, we could get a kegerator!” Jesse tossed in. “And a coke machine.”

Kim slapped her knees. “Oh, I know, I know! We can get one of those little hot dog machines with the rollers that grills hot dogs.”

Saul snorted. “Why don’t we just put in theatre seating and open our own movie house? No!” he added when he saw the look Kim and Jesse shared. “We’re not opening a theatre in our house.”

Kim nodded. “Yeah, then we’d have to share all of our cool stuff with other people.”

Jesse waved his hand. “Yeah, fuck that.” He looked at Saul. “But I was thinking about what you said about brick ovens and pizzas: do you think we could put one in the kitchen, or should be it in, like, an outside kitchen?”

Saul stared open-mouthed at Jesse, then he closed his mouth and stood. “I think I want to not be here anymore,” he said. “I helped find and buy the place, so you two can have complete say over decorating it.” He looked at them for another moment, then shook his head and wandered out of the room.

“Yes!” Kim and Jesse high-fived each other.

0 0 0

Kim turned off the TV and stood, stretching. She went into the kitchen and took her sweater off the hook by the back door and slid it on before picking up her pack of cigarettes and lighter and going outside, wrinkling her nose when she was hit with a sweet smell. “Oh my god, are you guys getting high?” she asked as she waved her hand in the air to clear the smoke before sitting down.

“I’m medicating,” Jesse said before pointing to Saul, “he’s getting high.”

“Yeah, not hardly,” Saul scoffed. He held up his joint. “Have you ever seen a more pathetic doob in your life? I mean, if this is for pain management, what’s this one do, help a stubbed toe?”

Jesse giggled, then took a long drag from his joint, holding it inside and then exhaling it. He coughed a little. “Dude, I need a bong. I hate smoking joints. If this shit’s legal here, then they gotta have head shops all over the place, right?”

Kim took a drag from her cigarette and blew it out. “One would think.”

“Wait, here, let me do this,” Saul said, moving closer to Jesse. “You breathe in when I breathe out.” He took a long drag, then motioned to Jesse before slowly blowing his smoke into Jesse’s open mouth while the younger man closed his eyes and slowly inhaled.

“Damn, that was sexy,” Kim said, fanning herself.

Saul turned to Kim. “Here, you try it.”

Kim started to refuse, then changed her mind. Snuffing out her cigarette into a nearby ashtray, she waited for Saul to take a long drag, then she leaned close, opened her mouth and slowly inhaled.

“That is sexy,” Jesse admitted, smiling at the other two. “Can I?” He took a drag and leaned over to Kim, slowly filling her mouth with his smoke.

Saul eyes twinkled as he watched Jesse and Kim. “I think we just invented a new type of foreplay.”

0 0 0

Jesse looked up when Kim called him.

“Mind if I join you?”

“No, not at all.” Jesse sat on the floor in the attic and moved his legs together. “I been doing yoga a couple’a times a week.” He kept his legs flat and flexed his feet forward. “I ain’t up to none’a that stuff like down dog but just this stuff helps my range of motion.”

“I took a yoga class a couple of years ago,” Kim said as she bent over at the waist and placed her palms flat on the floor. “It’s supposed to keep you limber.”

“Yeah, that’s what they told me.” Jesse laid flat on his back and raised his legs about eight inches off the ground. “Being in those chains for six months really tightened everything up.” He did a few more leg lifts and then sat up. “So what are you gonna do?”

Kim stood up and shot Jesse a questioning look. “What do you mean?”

Jesse shrugged. “You don’t like soap operas, so I figured you were gonna go back to work sooner or later. Can you be a lawyer here?”

Kim nodded as she moved closer to Jesse and sat down. “I’d have to take the Vermont Bar Exam, but, yeah, I could.”

“Do you still wanna be one?”

“I don’t know.” Kim thought for a moment. “I mean, it’d be a big waste of a lot of money and education if I didn’t practice law.”

Jesse shrugged. “We got all’a the money we’re ever gonna need, and I don’t think you can waste education.”

Kim smiled. “You’re right.” She leaned back on her hands. “There are parts of practicing law that I really like, and there are parts that suck donkey balls.” She and Jesse exchanged grins. “I don’t know, it might be fun to work for a non-profit. I’ll have to think about it.” She studied the younger man. “How about you? You have any long range plans?”

“I like doing stuff with my hands,” Jesse admitted. “Making things. I really liked wood shop in high school.”

“Well, aren’t you lucky that we have a whole cow house that you could build a shop in?”

Jesse smirked. “I know it’s called a barn.”

Kim pouted. “No, I like cow house. I want to call it the cow house.”

Jesse shook his head and smiled. “Whatever.” He held up a finger. “Oh, I had an idea. I think we should make part’a the basement into, like, a bar for Saul. Y’know, a real bar, a pool table, maybe one’a those big record player things?”

“Like a jukebox?”

“Yeah.”

Kim nodded as she thought about it. “He would love it. Maybe make it retro, like the 50s or 60s.”

“Yeah, and I was thinking that we could make that little bedroom in the back, the one with the bench built in by the window? We could make that all up into a cozy reading room for you.”

“I thought you were thinking about that for a studio?”

“No, I think this would be better for a studio.” Jesse waved his hand towards the windows. “All’a these windows bring in awesome light.”

Kim looked around. “Yeah, there is a lot of light up here.” She smiled at Jesse. “That’s so sweet of you to think of making me a reading room.”

Jesse waved her off. “After all’a the shit you do for us, the least we can do is give you a nice room where you can get away from us once in a while.” He reached out and took her hand. “And maybe, once in a while, I can come in there and you can read to me.”

“I would love to.”

0 0 0

After Saul settled on his back, Jesse snuggled close to him and raised up on one elbow while he played with Saul’s chest hair with his free hand. “Yep, you still got the best dick in the whole world.”

“I thank you and my dick thanks you.”

“You gonna get another Caddy?”

Saul frowned. “I don’t know. Probably not.”

“Aw man you should,” Jesse countered. “That car was the bomb. Had hell’a room in the back seat for fucking.”

“Yeah, it was definitely a nice car, but I just don’t think it’s the right car for here.” Saul yawned. “I was thinking maybe SUV.”

Jesse sighed heavily as he dropped down next to Saul and rested his head on the other man’s chest. “Wow, that’s just sad.”

Saul snorted. “If you just want something to fuck in, how about we get one of those 60s VW vans? One with the bumper sticker, ‘If this van’s rockin’ don’t bother knockin’.”

Jesse giggled. “Yeah, totally. That would be so awesome.” He lifted Saul’s hand up into his and wove their fingers together. “Shit, as hippie as some’a the places are around here, you could probably find one.”

Saul reached his other hand across his body to play with Jesse’s hair. “What about you, kid? What kind of car do you want?”

“I dunno, maybe a pickup truck?”

“Oh yeah?”

Jesse nodded. “Me and Kim were talking about maybe putting a wood shop out in the cow house, so I guess it would be good to have something big enough to carry wood around in.” He looked up over his shoulder at the older man. “I know it’s a barn but Kim wants to call it the cow house.”

Saul sighed. “Women, what are you gonna do?”

Jesse sighed. “True that.”

0 0 0

Jesse startled awake and sat up, looking around.

“Hey, you okay?” Saul asked quietly.

Jesse looked at the older man. “This is real, right?”

Saul sat up and pulled Jesse close. “As real as it gets, sweetheart.”

“Thank god.” Jesse started crying as he slipped his arms about Saul. “I thought this was all a dream and I was gonna wake up alone again.”

Kim sat up and put a hand on Jesse’s leg. “Would you feel better if you slept in the middle?”

Jesse looked at Kim and then he looked at Saul, who shrugged. “Maybe just for tonight?”

Saul moved over to Jesse’s spot as Jesse slid over him, then both men settled into their new places.

Jesse fidgeted a little until Saul held his arm up, then Jesse quickly snuggled against the bigger man, resting his head on Saul’s firm chest. He shifted slightly when Kim snuggled in behind him, then he fell asleep with a soft grin on his face.

0 0 0

“Good morning.”

Jesse stopped in his tracks when Tony greeted him in the lobby first thing Monday morning. “Yo, I wasn’t expecting to see you ‘til this afternoon.”

“Oh, I just had to drop something off,” Tony hedged. “You look good. How was your weekend?”

“Good. Real good. I woke up a little disoriented last night, but it passed real fast. Other than that, everything was great.”

“Fantastic.” Tony took a deep breath. “Well, I don’t want to make you late. I’ll see you this afternoon.”

“You got it.” Jesse hurried off, waving at Robert as the nurse went over to Tony. 

Robert smiled as he shook his head. “You are such a liar.”

Tony looked evenly at Robert. “Don’t you have someone else to rub the wrong way?”

Robert smirked. “Nope. I’m all yours until ten.” He put his arm through Tony’s and started leading the other man towards the staff dining room. “Clarisse made her famous beignets this morning.”

Tony winced. “Every time I hear that name I think of fava beans.”

“That’s because you are a sick, twisted man who watches way too many horror movies,” Robert chided.

“Sorry I didn’t get the Broadway musicals gene.”

Robert sighed. “Me too.” He stopped and looked around when he heard a small commotion. “What’s going on?” he asked a passerby.

The young woman smiled. “It’s snowing!”

Robert beamed at Tony. “Come on!” He started leading the older man towards the back garden.

“It’s probably just flurries,” Tony mumbled. When they stepped outside, he broke into a big grin. “Wow, it really is snowing.”

Next: Chester

**Author's Note:**

> I thought this was going to be the last installment, but all of the characters decided otherwise, so there will be at least one more. Regarding Jesse's therapy and recovery: this is a work of fiction, so his results may be atypical of what others have experienced personally. Dr. Tony Bulatti is a character I first wrote almost 20 years ago to help another character deal with PTSD, so I thought he would be the perfect doctor to help Jesse. The character of Dave was inspired by actor Jason Momoa. Many thanks to those of you who have joined me on this little adventure: I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.


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